


Unlocking Secrets

by Kneekeyta



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 20:58:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5020291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kneekeyta/pseuds/Kneekeyta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn moves to a new town.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Finn..” Gary called out.

“Yeah Dad?” Finn shouted from his room.

“Come look at this chest I got at the charity shop for your room” Gary yelled up.

“Alright” he shouted.

Finn finished unpacking the last few shirts out of a cardboard box, he then folded up the box and took it downs stairs with him, as he entered the living room he set the folded box against the wall then was maneuvering around a maze of boxes and furniture, “Dad, where are you?” Finn shouted walking around the house.

 

“Out here” Gary yelled.

Finn walked back to the front door of the house and stepped outside walking towards his dad’s car, where he stood with the boot opened.

“Here, what do ya think” Gary smiled slapping a hand down on the mahogany chest.

“It’s nice” Finn smiled looking at the chest.

“I think it will fit nicely in your new room, it has plenty of drawers for all your stuff” Gary smiled.

“Yeah, it will be great dad, thanks” 

Finn helped his dad carry the chest up to his room, it took them a few tries to get it up the stairs, the curve in the stairs made positioning it difficult, but they managed to get in. Finn put it along the wall by the head of his bed, he figured it would be good to double as a bed side table as well because it was not that tall. Finn spent the rest of the afternoon organizing his room, he hadn’t realized how much music he had until he had to put it all in its proper place. He thought about building a shelf for his vinyl’s so they wouldn’t have to sit in crates stacked on top of each other, he had plenty of time it being summer and all, it would occupy a lot of his time since he had no friends to hang out with, and he probably wouldn’t make any until school started and he actually had to talk a little; he was never much of a talker, so making friends might be difficult, the friends he had back home he had known since primary school, so they were sort of just stuck together, but here it would be a different story. 

After he finished hanging up his most worn clothes in his wardrobe, he moved to put his sports clothes, track bottoms and what have you in his new chest of drawers, he had already the 2 top drawers filled and was about to fill the third drawer on the bottom right when his dad called him down to dinner.

Finn went down stairs to find his dad had put most of the kitchen away and lounge away, it just being the two of them they really didn’t have all that much or need that much, they had been living pretty modestly for a while, but his dad said he would pick up a few pieces of furniture to make their new house look more homey rather than like a bachelor pad. Finn walked out of the kitchen with a glass of water and sat at the dining table across from his dad.

“I hope you don’t mind pizza for dinner” his dad teased.

“It’s alright, for tonight, I s’pose” Finn teased back.

Finn grabbed a slice of pizza out of the box, he ate his slice in what seemed like 4 bites, he had been quite hungry not having eaten since they had arrived at the house in the early morning. He and his dad ate in silence for the most part; four slices later Finn sat back in his chair letting out a hard breath.

“I’m sorry we left when you only have one year of school left, son, I know you would have liked to have finished with your friends, but things will be better for us here” Gary said softly.

Finn thought for a moment before speaking, as he was never good with words or expressing his feelings out loud, but this was one of those rare times he needed to articulate exactly how he feels, “It’s fine dad, honestly, I’m going to miss my friends, but I can make friends anywhere, I understand why we left, and I’m happy we did, I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing her, so I’m glad we moved, it’s a chance at fresh start.” Finn said, smiling small at his dad, hoping what he said was alright.

“I’m relieved you feel that way, I know she’s your mum and all, but after what happened, I figured moving would be for the best, I should have asked you before I made the final decision, to make sure you were absolutely fine with it, but after what happened that day, I knew moving is what we had to do” Gary sighed.

“It was for the best” Finn spoke softly.

“I think we’re going to like it here” Gary smiled.

“I’m gonna go finish unpacking my office, clean this up will ya?” Gary asked pushing out of his chair.

“Yeah, I’ll take care of it”

Finn gathered up the plates and cups taking them into the kitchen giving them a wash and dry and placed them back in the cupboards. He made his way back out of the kitchen grabbing the empty pizza box and took it outside and walked to the curb, he opened the trash bin dropped it in and shut the lid. He took a few moments to look around his new neighborhood, it seemed quiet, his old one had lots of kids, they would be outside running around playing one school yard game or another, riding their bikes up and down the street, it always seemed busy, but he was thinking he would like this new place, he could get used to the sereneness of it and there was a nice warm breeze, that made him feel like he was finally home.

He walked back inside the house flipping on the outside light, then made his way back up to his room to finish putting away his clothes. He had filled the third drawer fully and didn’t have a use for the fourth one yet, so he decided to just leave it empty for the time being. He walked over to his record player lifting the needle placing it gently on The Smiths album that he had been listening to earlier, then walked to the opposite side of his room sitting down opening the box labeled Pictures.

As he opened the box he was greeted with piles of photo albums and a few framed pictures, he pulled out the photo album that said: Finn Aged 5-10, he flipped through the first couple of pictures, memories of happier times flooding back, he came to the last picture he had taken with his mum before she left, they had been at the park for his first real football match, he had made the winning goal and when he got to his mum she was crying she was so happy, and when Finn ran up to her she had tried to pick him up but they tumbled over in a fit of laughter and Gary snapped a picture of the moment. Finn slammed the photo album shut, he took it and the others stacking them on top of his wardrobe where they were out of sight. He walked back over to the box sitting down and took out the few framed pictures he had out, they were of him and his Nan, from when he was ten up until she passed the previous year. He ran his hand gently over the last picture he had taken with his Nan it was at her birthday party, a few months later she found out she had cancer and was suddenly gone. Finn had taken that worse than his mum leaving him, in a way she had become like a second mother to him, she went to all his football matches and was just there for him in all the ways a mum should be. Finn wiped the tears off of his cheeks and stood walking over to his chest putting the pictures along the top. 

He was nearly done with all his unpacking, the only box he had left was his box filled with all his copies of NME he had been collecting over the years, he looked around wondering where he could put them, he thought maybe under his bed but they wouldn’t be protected under there, he did a 360 of his room and he smiled thinking himself daft for not thinking to put them in the last drawer of his chest to begin with. He pushed the box over to the chest with his feet and sat on the floor opening the box, he pushed it to the side of him to give him room to open the drawer, he pulled the handle of the drawer but it didn’t open, he placed his left hand on the second knob and pulled hard, but the drawer didn’t budge, he did the standard giggle and shake, but nothing, he figured he would have to take the other drawer out to unjam it, but that was best left for the next day.

He pushed the box of NME’s out of the way and stripped off his jeans and shirt leaving him in his boxers as he fell exhausted into bed, he sighed knowing he had to get up one last time to turn off The Smiths, but after a long day of moving and unpacking and you finally allow yourself to relax the last thing you wanna do is move again but he knew he had too, he groaned as he sat up and pushed hard off the bed and walked over turning off the record. He took the opportunity to switch off his main light as well, leaving only the light from the moon shining through his window to guide his way back to bed.

–

The next morning Finn woke up at half nine, he definitely felt the effects of the work he had done the day before, his body feeling stiff and sore, he rolled out of bed and slid on his jeans from the previous day and went downstairs, he walked into the kitchen to find his dad making beans and toast for breakfast, Finn yawned getting some orange juice out of the bare fridge. He poured himself a glass a drank it down without a breath, he poured himself another glass full and drank half of that.

“Thirsty?” Gary looked at him with shocked smile.

Finn nodded rubbing his right eye, “Can you pop down to the store in a bit, we need to fill the fridge and stock the cupboards can’t live on take aways”

“Yeah, sure” Finn said tiredly.

“Maybe you can look around town, find the record shop or something; while you’re out”

“Yeah, I’ll check out the town” Finn said, as his dad plated their food.

Gary handed Finn his plate and they walked into the dining room to eat their breakfast, they ate in silence both feeling the effects of moving; they were basically done, but the house was sparse and would need a few more pieces to make it look put together.

After breakfast Gary cleared the plates and mentioned to Finn he was going to pop back round the charity shops to see if he can find a few more pieces, like coffee tables and a standing lamp if possible. Finn went back up to is room taking out some clean clothes and made his way to the bathroom for a quick shower. When he came back downstairs his dad was gone and left him a list of groceries and some money, Finn grabbed the money and list and headed out.

It was a small town, he more or less knew where he was headed; they had driven through the main part of town the day before, so he found his was easily enough. When he rounded the corner onto the street of shops he spotted a record shop, it was almost as if it was meant to be, as he crossed the street he thought best to go there first and do groceries last.

When he walked in the familiar smell of dust and vinyl hit him, every good record shop smelled this way, and it made him instantly calmer, he was now in his element. He wandered over to the punk section and began his browsing, he had been completely entranced so he barely registered,

“Finding everything okay?”

He turned around and with a small smile and nodded.

“Alright, mine name is Archie if you need anything”

Finn nodded and turned back to continue browsing, he wandered around the store slowly and after mentally cataloguing albums he wanted to buy he made his way out, he was happy to have found a decent record shop, he knew that he had found his solace and would be frequenting it for most of the summer.

He checked his watch and realized he had been in the record shop for nearly two hours, he knew that his dad would need help packing in any furniture he had bought so he made his way quickly to the grocers.

When he entered he found it was the standard layout so he knew where he was going, Finn was definitely not a browser when it came to grocery shopping he wanted to be in and out in as less time as possible. He grabbed a trolley and made way around to the specific areas of the store grabbing what he needed, he thought he had made his way around the store in record time, the only thing holding him up was the queue, which was the worst part of shopping. He was about sixth back and all he could do has study the ingredient’s on a box biscuits, he wasn’t one to strike up a conversation with strangers, like so many other’s in a queue found comfortable to do, they would sometimes try to talk to him about the wait, the standard “this is taking forever”, or “could they be any slower”, but today he heard, “I wish they would open another till” he nodded to himself agreeing silently with the girl behind him.

As he moved up he was finally was next in line but there was tap on his shoulder and he turned around looking at the girl behind him, “excuse me but do you think I could go before you I only have two items and I’m in a bit of a rush”

Finn looked and she was holding two items, a card and a balloon, Finn smiled and nodded, the girl smiled and thanked him with the happiest smile he had ever seen, “thank you it’s my friend’s surprise party and I don’t want to be late”

When the girl stepped up to the till, Finn couldn’t help but notice how red her hair was, he had never seen hair that red before, after she paid for her items, she turned back to Finn, “thanks again” she waved and he nodded.

He paid for his items and took his few bags and began the truck home, it wasn’t a very far walk only about 15 minutes. When he got home his dad was still gone, he took the bags into the kitchen and put everything away, he grabbed himself a glass of water and made his way back up to his room; he put on Oasis then sat on the floor trying to get the fourth drawer open, but couldn’t get it to budge, he emptied the drawer above it removing all of his clothes and slid it out to see if he could unjam it that way, but he couldn’t as it didn’t have an access to the drawer below, he put the drawer back in and refilled it with his clothes. He got up and walked over to his desk and looked through his school stuff for a ruler, he found it and sat on his knees trying to get it in enough to pry the drawer open, but the ruler snapped, he sighed tossing the ruler aside wondering if he should just leave it. He looked around his room seeing if there was another place he could put his magazines as he didn’t want to leave them in the box, he went to his wardrobe thinking if he should put the photo albums under his bed and stack his magazines on top,

“Finn”

“Coming” he shouted.

He made his way downstairs to see the front door open, he walked outside to find his dad had a few small pieces of furniture, two coffee tables a lamp and fake potted plant.

“A fake plant?” Finn laughed at his dad.

“What, it will help brighten up the place”

Finn shook his head and laughed and grabbed the large fake plant carrying it in the house, his dad followed behind with the lamp, they went back out each carrying a coffee table back in setting them randomly in the lounge.

They spent a few minutes trying the pieces in different places, when Gary decided to rearrange the entire layout of the lounge, it took them over an hour to get it right.

They stood looking at their work and Finn started to laugh, “Shut up, don’t say anything and go make dinner” Gary said.

Finn laughed all the way into the kitchen, the lounge was in the exact same layout as before with the exception of the lamp on the opposite side of the room.

Finn made bangers and mash for him and his dad, after they ate and Finn cleaned up he looked through the drawers in the kitchen to see if he could find a spatula or something that might work so he could try and pry the drawer of his chest open, but he had pulled the drawer he was about to look through out to fast and it fell on the floor, he was picking it up when his dad came in, “Everything alright”

“Yeah, was just looking for a spatula or something to pry one of the chest drawers open, its jammed” Finn said as he pushed the drawer back in.

“Might want to try an actual tool, check around the shed out back, I’m sure there is something out there that will help you”

“Alright” Finn sighed, and his dad walked away.

He went to the back of the house to the sliding glass door and flipped the light on, he opened the door and stepped outside making his way to the shed and he could hear the people next door, sounded like they were having a party. He went inside the shed and found his dad’s tool box and pulled out a flat head screwdriver and a putty knife. He shut the tool box and was making his way back to the house when a football landed in front of him, “Hey mate sorry, do you mind” he looked to his left to see a tall boy with a gapped tooth grin looking at him.

Finn picked up the football and walked over to the fence handing it over to him, “It’s alright”

“You my new neighbor?” the gapped tooth boy asked

Finn nodded, “I’m Chop” he held his hand over the fence.

“Finn” he said, shaking Chops hand.

“Oh, hi again” Finn looked to Chops left to see the red headed girl from the store earlier.

“Hi” he said softly.

“You know him” Chop looked between them.

“He let me take cuts at the store earlier, I’m Izzy by the way” she smiled that same big smile at him.

“Finn” he smiled at her.

“Thanks for helping my girl out mate” Chop smiled at Finn as he wrapped his arm around Izzy.

“You wanna come over it’s our mate Archie’s birthday, hey Arch” Chop bellowed.

“Nah, I’m still getting settled thanks though” Finn said.

Archie came over with a taller slender brown haired girl following, “Oh hey” Archie said to Finn.

“Hey” Finn said.

“You know him too Arch” Chop asked.

“Came in the record shop earlier” Archie said.

“Man Finn you got around today” Chop laughed, “By the way this is Finn, my new neighbor”

“So I gathered Chop” Archie laughed.

There was a clearing of the throat and Finn looked at the girl standing next to Archie, “I’m Chloe, my mates have seemed to have forgotten me” she smiled

He gave her wave, “Erm..I better go back in, I have some things to do” Finn said.

“You sure you can’t come over” Chop asked

“Oh yeah, come over” Izzy said excitedly.

“Nah, maybe another time, thanks though”

“See you around then..” Chop said.

Finn nodded and before he turned he heard “Don’t be a stranger” Chloe smiled at him.

He gave her an awkward smile and nod, then headed back into the house.

When he got to the top of the stairs, his dad asked him what took so long,

“I met the neighbor, they were having a party wanted me to come over” Finn shrugged.

“Oh, I see and you didn’t want to?”

“Maybe when I’m settled more, but I’m alright for now, I’ll make friends soon enough don’t worry” Finn said.

“Alright, just don’t want you cooped up all summer”

Finn nodded, “alright go on, go get that drawer open, let me know if you need my help” Gary said and flexed his arm

Finn shook his head rolling his eyes walking away.

He went directly to the chest, he was determined to get it open, he stuck the putty knife in the side to see if he could wiggle it loose, that didn’t work, he stuck in the top and it slid down easy enough and he wiggled it back and forth and it seemed to work he was able to pry it open some, he stuck the screw driver in and could feel that something was in there that was preventing it from opening, he prodded at whatever it was with the screwdriver while holding on tight to the putty knife so not to let it slip and the drawer shut. He kept poking at whatever it was with the screwdriver but he couldn’t get it to move, he got on his bum and as he held the putty knife and screw driver tight and he gave the drawer the best kick he could, it caused the chest to shake and he dropped the putty knife but the drawer unjammed.

“Fuck finally” he sighed in relief, happy to finally get the drawer open and put his magazines away.

He pulled the box over to him and opened the drawer to see what the cause of all the hassle, he pulled out a hard cover book but it had no title, he opened it to see what it was and read aloud to himself, “If anyone ever finds this diary, and reads it, and comes to the conclusion that I’m crazy, they’d be spot on…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Self Harm

Unlocking Secrets Part 2

“..This Diary Belongs to Rae Earl” Finn furrowed his brows looking down at this diary, he had not expected it to be a diary and he immediately felt he should not be holding it, let alone reading it, this was someone’s personal thoughts, diaries held intimate details, he was not privy to this information, who was he to invade someone’s privacy. He gently closed the hard cover and set the book atop his chest by his clock, then pulled his box of magazines close to him, pulling out a stack he set them down in front of him and began lining the drawer.

 

It had taken him a while to get the drawer sorted,as he would flip through a magazine now and again rereading his favorite articles. When he was finally finished it was nearing midnight, he reached up turning on his bed side light, and then stood taking off his shirt as he walked across the room to switch off his main light, on his way back he kicked off his boots and shimmied out of his jeans then collapsed on his bed. He had a pretty busy day but found he was in that state of sleepy but can’t sleep, and his body was still sore so finding a comfortable position seemed troublesome, he rolled over on his side ready to do the lazy reach to open his drawer and fish out a magazine, he leaned over bracing himself on the chest with his left hand while his right arm extended out along with half of his body, but it was too far and his left hand slipped, and the diary he had placed by his clock fell to the floor with a loud thud.

He looked down to the diary on the floor and reached down to retrieve it, he picked it up ready to set it by his clock, he sat it down but it was still gripping it, he picked it up hesitantly before setting it back down, he let it lie for a moment before he swiftly picked it up opening the cover, he reread the first inscription and gave his rook a one over as if he might be caught, as he was about to enter into a world in which he was not allowed, he then slowly turned the page to the first entry.

20th November, 1995

Dear Diary, 

This is my first entry; I’ve never kept a diary before; so I’m not sure where to start. I had read somewhere that keeping a diary can be beneficial, that it can help keep your thoughts in order and help you to work through your emotions; I hope that’s true, because I need all the help I can get. 

Maybe to start I’ll tell you a little bit about myself, I’m nearly 16, I’m tall, fat and I suspect that I’m crazy, that about sums it up So I guess now it’s on to my thoughts, I have many thoughts, and emotions, mainly bad ones, but I thought if I give this writing thing a chance it might help me control my bad thoughts and feelings, that maybe it will be a better way to release the darkness within me, instead of cutting myself. Just seeing that written out on paper confirms I’m mental, along with a long list of other things. 

For instance, I often binge eat when I’m upset, or I’ll burn myself with hot water. Just recently I picked up the habit of having to turn the light on and off in divisions of 8, now even I know that can’t be normal, it’s like I keep doing something crazy, that I’m just adding fuel to the ever burning fire, but I just can’t help it, I can’t describe the feeling, I just need to do it, last night I hadnturned the lights on and off it 32 times, that was the most I ever had to do it, maybe it had something to do with what happened at school. 

I suppose I should recount the day, it’s not like I could forget what happened though. 

It was a typical day at school, well typical for the tall crazy fat girl, I had been minding my own business as per usual putting y books in my locker, when I turned around, a girl, at least I think it was a girl put a coat over my head and shoved me into the lockers, I was used to being shoved into lockers but not with a coat over my head, let’s just say I had a bit of a freak out, which only solidified their thinking I was crazy. The rest of the day was torment, and now I’ll forever be known as “cRAEzy Rae the basket case” it’s not even clever, I wonder if they know Basket Case is a GreenDay song, probably not, they seem to only listen to crap fm…

Finn couldn’t help but smile weakly at that line but there was nothing else at all amusing about anything she had written, and just reading this little bit about this girl had Finn feeling sick, he could barely read past her mentioning the different ways she hurt herself, he had never known anyone who self-harmed, or even heard much on the topic, and now he was reading about the interworking’s of it.

I may not have friends, well that’s not to say that I’ve never had friends, I did have one friend, I knew her since we were little but we fell out last year, but I still have music to comfort and console me, Morrissey can often express what I’m feeling better than I can, and unlike those around me, I know he’ll be there along with other various artists to comfort me when I need it, well comfort me as much as it can, because some days, the music might as well not even be playing. 

I must say there is something to this writing thing, it’s nice that I can write what I’m feeling down and I don’t have to keep it bottled up, but it also makes everything all too real. I guess that’s it for my first entry. 

Finn shut the diary knowing he should have not read it, just what little he had read had him feeling a lump in his throat, he laid the diary gently back down on the opposite side of his clock staring at it for a moment then turned off his bed side light. He tossed and turned for a good while his mind unable to focus on sleep, he kept thinking about what she mentioned about music comforting her. Music was his solace, his safe place, he empathized on how it can express feelings you didn’t even know you were feeling, and for him to read ‘that some days the music might as well not even playing’ was a concept he was all too familiar with, he sat up turning back on his light picking up the diary.

22nd November, 1995

Dear Diary, 

I feel weird writing ‘dear’ I think I’ll just write ‘diary’ like I’m talking to a person, well, maybe not, that might make me even crazier than I am. I keep saying I’m crazy but I thought crazy people didn’t know they were crazy, I sound crazy rambling about being crazy. I’ll just leave it at, yes, I’m crazy. Now that that’s settled I guess I will write about how I feel, oh god, I’m still trying ot get used to this diary writing thing, I might as well be on a bloody leather sofa..

Finn couldn’t help but smile a little; she was funny and he like how she banged on.

With some bald guy asking ‘well, how do you feel about that’, its complete and total bollocks therapy is, how can it help fix the bad thoughts, how can it help me, fix me, fix me from not wanting to end it all, from thinking about how easy it would be to just slip out of the world. I had read a couple books at the library that said psychiatric help and medicine can help fix people like me, I don’t even know what that means, ‘people like me’ I’m not even sure what’s wrong with me but I know there is something WRONG, but what if I can’t be fixed, what if I’m so far gone that I won’t be able to make it back, should I just end it all now?

I hate that I’m so scared all the time, I never used to be like this, I used to be brave. I hate that I’m not anymore, that I’m scared of everything, that I somehow allowed the world to get to me, that I believe all the things people say about me, fat, ugly, mental, but it sounds about right. 

School was school, there’s not much to say about it really, it was a normal day of the kids making of me and pointing out what’s already obvious. I’ll never understand why anyone would feel its okay to take the piss out of someone, I wish I knew what it brought them, joy, a sense of empowerment, pride in knowing they single handedly made someone feel like shit, I just don’t get it. 

Finn could relate completely to not understanding why someone would make fun of another person, to maliciously want to hurt another human, words hurt, they leave internal scars, forcing those to suffer in silence as their wounds in most cases could not be seen. He took a deep breath collecting himself as memories of when is mum left and the repercussions he suffered came back to him, but he pushed those thoughts aside and read on.

23rd November 1995

Its Saturday, so no school, I hate being at school, but at least there I was technically not alone, I was surrounded by people even though they hate me. When I’m home, I’m really alone and that’s when the dark thoughts creep in, burrowing deep inside me, I can’t make them go away and I don’t think this writing things seems to be helping, I just need these sinister thoughts out of me, I feel constricted like I can’t breathe, and the only way I can release it is to cut it out of me.I cut deeper than I ever have before, I had to, I couldn’t take it. I tried to resist as long as I could. I sat with the blade pressed hard into my thigh hard enough to make an indentation but not enough to draw blood, but I couldn’t take it, I had to do it, I pressed the blade deep applying pressure as I drug it along watching my skin open and blood flow freely out of me. I lifted the blade and pressed it back into my thigh dragging it roughly drawing more blood. I felt no pain; it felt good, like I could have just easily given in. I don’t think there is another way out for me.

To look at Finn, one would not guess he was an avid reader, but he was. It wasn’t always magazines and books on music, he quite enjoyed novels of suspense, mystery, solving crimes and the like, it was a way for him to get lost in another world, leaving his behind of only for a little while, he felt for the characters, would feel what they were feeling as he went on their journey with them. And now having read this girls diary, he feels for her, he can relate with her truly and deeply in some aspects, its daunting to know what he read actually happened, that the story he was reading was in fact very real, he knows that diaries can be often misleading, that some truths can be altered, but he had this overwhelming sense that every single word this girl wrote was nothing but the truth, and he was just an outsider looking in as her world was crumbling around her.

Finn closed the diary unable to fully believe he read what he just read; he sat holding the diary in his trembling hands, as his emotions washed over him. He knows he should have never read this diary, that it was wrong of him to think he could read someone’s inner most thoughts. He had entered into a world filled with despair and hopelessness. He could hardly read her description of self harm, how she could firmly press a knife into herself hard enough to draw blood, it made him ill just thinking about it, not necessarily the blood, more the fact that she felt no pain, that it felt good, and that she really felt that she had no other way to cope, no other way out, that she wanted to end it all.

He had realized it was nearly morning, he was so enthralled with what he read he lost track if time, but how could he sleep after what he read, how could he put what he read out of his mind, could he easily forget her description of what she went through, what she did, how she cut herself, its not like he knew her, it happened to a faceless girl, a girl he would never know. Could he treat it like one of his many novels, make himself believe that it was fiction, that what this girl went through was not real, no, he couldn’t, but he had to try, because there was nothing else he could do, no matter what he read in her diary what was done was done, there was no changing it, no matter how much he wanted to, there was no point to torcher himself over something he had no control over, what he read was a true story and he couldn’t treat it like one of his novels that ended badly, thinking ‘well, its only a fictional character’ because although he felt very deeply for some of those characters as time moved on , he moved on he was over it, his feeling vanished, this, this was real and we was already feeling himself latching on, and he couldn’t have that, this was something he would not be able to get over.

He got out of bed with the diary and walked over to his wardrobe placing it on top of his photo albums, out of sight out of mind.

—

The next day he woke in the afternoon, when he got of bed to put on his jeans he glanced up at the top of his wardrobe ,he shook his head trying to shake out what he had previously read. He went downstairs to find his dad in his office, then went into the kitchen for some juice. He came back out into his dads office,

“Hey rough night?” his dad teased

Finn furrowed his brows, “What, no” he said defensively,

Gary could tell something was off, “Only joking Finn, you look rough is all”

Finn’s features softened, “Just couldn’t sleep” he shrugged.

Gar nodded, “Well, I was thinking about going to look for a new bookcase, do you wanna come with, maybe you can get supplies for that shelf you wanted to build for your vinyls, then we can get some lunch?” Gary offered

Finn nodded, “I’ll go get changed”, he said then made his way up the stairs to his room, thinking that building this shelf would be a good distraction, that maybe instead he would build a case, there was plenty of room in the garden for his work, and he will finally have a place to organize all of his music and that was something he was looking forward to. He thought this project would be a happy distraction, would keep him busy for a lot of the summer, keep him from thinking about other things, from thinking too much in general because he was often in his own head because he didn’t talk all that much, and it would keep him from thinking about her.


	3. Chapter 3

Finn and his dad had quite a long afternoon out, when they got home, the sun was set low in the sky so Finn’s project would have to be left until the following day, after he and his dad brought in Gary’s new bookcase and they carried Finn’s supplies to the garden, Gary made them a full English breakfast for dinner, they both enjoyed having breakfast for dinner every once and a while, there’s just something about it, its seems so wrong but just so right. 

 

After dinner Finn cleaned up while his dad went to organize his new bookcase. When Finn was finished he went upstairs with his new measuring tape and sketch book, when got in his room he knew exactly where he wanted the case to go, it would go where his turntable and mixer were currently; he would have to deconstruct his makeshift table which was just crates stacked on top of one another so that would be easy enough. He pulled out his measuring tape and his new sketch book that he bought for the project, he measured the area and jotted down the measurements, he pulled out a crate that held a small fraction of his vinyl collection taking its measurements to using its size as a guideline, he had as he also decided he would like to be able to fit a crate easily into one of the cubby holes and this would house his miscellaneous albums, like ones he had been randomly given, he didn’t want them mixed in with his others but still wanted then to be a part of his collection for sentimental reasons. When he was done taking the measurements he went down stairs with his sketch book which could fit easily into a pocket as it was about the size of a novel but a little slimmer and it had a soft cover so it could be bent easily enough, which he did when he shoved it into the pocket of his flannel. 

When he got downstairs he attempted to sketch out the dimensions of his case, the first few tries the paper had been ripped out, crumpled tossed to the side. He sat for a long while knowing the length and height he just wasn’t sure how many rows or cubbies he needed, he had to account for his present vinyl’s and all future purchase’s. After an hour or so of sketching and asking his dad for his input he had a rough idea of what he wanted the case to look like, the rows would be 4x4, the middle would be a larger cubby to hold his turntable and mixer. Leaning back in the chair yawning pleased with his design he closed his sketch book, then pushed out of his chair and made his way to his room, he immediately stripped and fell into bed where sleep took him quickly.

–

For the next two days Finn would spend the majority of the day outside, all his thoughts were on building his case, right after breakfast he would go to the garden to begin his work, he would be out there until it was time for dinner, taking breaks every now and again to get some water and a snack. He soon found out that building this case was work. When they were at the hardware shop, they clerk suggested that oak wood would be best to use, and that is could be double lined to insure the sturdiness of the case, another thing about oak is that it is very strong wood and could be difficult to cut. Finn found this to be true when he had unevenly cut a few of the boards and would have to begin again but he didn’t mind all that much, he was looking forward to the finished project and would appreciate it all the more knowing how much time and effort he put in. Also, he had decided that he would like to stain it when he was complete, so it would match the color of his chest of drawers, now he wasn’t one to fuss over matching furniture, but he thought it would be aesthetically pleasing.

Removing his work goggles he stood up straight to wipe the sweat from his brow, as he had been hunched over sanding down several pieces of wood; he bent down picking up his bottle of water from beside him drinking half of it in one breath. He sighed, his thirst quenched when he pulled the bottle away from his now moistened lips; he pulled his work gloves off letting them drop on the table he had been working at and walked towards the house. He walked into the kitchen refilling his water bottle from the tap and stuck it in the ice box where he pulled out another. He took the opportunity to roll his head around and roll his shoulders back to loosen them up a bit, then he heard and felt a nice release of pressure in his neck. He made his way back out as he still had a few hours of daylight left until he was down for the day, he walked back over to his work table setting his water bottle down then pulled on his gloves,

“Hey, mate” He heard, he turned around to see Chop with a grin.

Finn nodded in question.

“You’ve been working out here a few days, whatcha building?” Chop asked looking around Finn’s garden.

Finn walked over to Chop so he didn’t have to raise his voice to much, he only really spoke a little louder than a whisper, “Just a case for my music collection” Finn shrugged looking back at the work he had done behind him.

“That’s cool, listen was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight, just going to be me and Archer, couple of beers maybe kick the football around” Chop shrugged.

“Um, I dunno know, I don’t want to get distracted, I wanna be able to finish, this..” he pointed and looked behind him, “..before summer is over..”

“Finn, I’m not askin’ you to move in, and it’s the beginning of summer, there is still three months left, I’m just askin’ if you want to hang out, take a break, you don’t even have to drink, you’ll be in top shape for tomorrow, just thought you could use a mate or two” Chop grinned and shrugged.

Finn thought for a moment, “listen just come over if you want, yeah, me and Archie will be back here” Chop pointed behind him to his own garden.

“Alright, maybe” Finn said.

“Later” Chop waved then walked off.

Finn walked back to his work pulling on his goggles then picked up another piece of wood he had cut and began sanding down the edges, he had been in a work trance for a while even having brought out his stereo singing and humming along to Primal Scream as he worked, he looked up when a light came on, he saw his dad opening the sliding glass door,

“Out here a little late tonight” Gary said walking towards Finn.

“Lost track of time” he shrugged, he pulled off his gloves and goggles then walked over turning off his stereo.

“Why don’t you go get cleaned up for dinner, we’re having Chinese”

“Alright” Finn nodded and followed his dad inside.

Finn went up to his room and gathered up clean clothes and made his way to the bathroom, he had been whistling Moving on up the entire time it being stuck in his head, he turned on the shower letting it warm up when he realized he had forgotten a main item, boxers, he went back in his room picking out a pair of clean boxers and headed back into the bathroom where the room had quickly filled with steam.

He stuck his hand in the shower to reach the knobs to turn down the heat when his hand came in contact with the water, he let out a yelp and quickly pulled his hand back, “fuck” he said to himself looking down at his hand which was already brimming red. He quickly reached back into the shower keeping his arm flat against the side of the shower until he was close enough to move his hand to turn down the hot water , when he hesitantly tested the water again it was still hot but a hot he could handle.

He stepped into the shower letting the water soothe his aching body, his hand with the burn stinging as it came in contact with the water, “I burn myself with hot water,” the words he read suddenly echoed in his head. Astonishingly he had not thought about her or the diary for a few days, he had successfully occupied his thoughts with his work, but as the water cascaded down him all he could do was stare at the now swollen patch of skin on his hand, he hadn’t even touched the water that long and it had left him with a swollen and tender red mark, he was curious as to how she was able to handle it, maybe the water wasn’t that hot he thought, but then again, she wrote “I burn myself with hot water” surely that meant there would be some kind of mark left on her body; he thought her body, he knew from her entry about cutting, she cut on her thighs, he wondered if she showed it the same treatment with hot water, if she felt pain with hot water, or if it felt good like cutting did.

Soon he felt the water turn cold, realizing he had spent most of his time thinking about her, he lathered up quickly then rinsed off and turned the shower off. He toweled off and got dressed, his hand still red and tender as he made his way downstairs.

“Took your time” Gary said as Finn sat at the table.

Finn shrugged unsure of how to respond, he reached for a Chinese container, “what happened to your hand?” His dad asked.

Finn plated his food, “Water was too hot” he shrugged.

“Yeah, I’ve notice the water does get extremely hot, be careful, you could get a really bad burn, it could even blister..”

“Blister?” Finn furrowed his brows, another thing for him to think about.

“Yeah, hot water can leave blisters, and just make sure if it happens again don’t run it under cold water it will just make it worse”

Finn bit his lip and furrowed his brow, “right” he said softly.

Finn ate his dinner mostly in silence, he nodded at appropriate times as his dad nattered on about work, something about being happy to run his brothers scaffolding company in this town, he should have paid more attention but his mind and his eyes kept wondering to the diary upstairs, the one he was supposed to forget.

“Finn, Finn,”

“Yeah, sorry, what?” he asked coming out of his daze.

“Just asked how your project was coming along, but you seem tired, I know it can be hard work, but it’ll be worth it in the end” Gary sighed, patting his stomach as he pushed out of his chair.

Finn nodded, “Yeah” he sighed.

Finn cleaned up, tossing the containers in the bin and setting the glasses and silverware in the sink best left for morning. He made his way slowly up the stairs almost as if he was testing himself, when he walked into his room he flicked on the main light and his eyes were immediately drawn to the top of his wardrobe. He sat on his bed for a moment his elbows on his knees and his hands laced together hanging in the open space, he studied his slight burn, then glanced back up at the wardrobe. He sighed and pushed off of his bed walking over to the wardrobe reaching up to retrieve the diary, he paused for a moment his hand firmly gripping the binding, he took a deep breath knowing what type of world he would be entering back into should he choose to read it again, he heard a loud bang and dropped the diary walking over to his window, as he looked out he saw that Chop’s football landed in the garden again knocking about some of his things.

Finn made his way to his door looking back up once more to the wardrobe before he made his way downstairs, he went into his dads office, “I’ll be next door if you need me” he said, when Gary nodded he then turned quickly and made his way to the garden.

“Hey sorry” Chop said as Finn picked up the ball walking it over to Chop.

“Not a problem” Finn said.

“So you wanna hang for a bit?” Chop asked.

Finn thought for a moment, then turned back looking up to his room window knowing what was awaiting him if he went back inside, he turned back to Chop, “Yeah,” Finn made his way down the slim alley of his house and fence turning left into the front of Chop’s house.

Chop met him at the front and led him back to his garden from the opposite alley in his own yard. Finn sat down in one of the loungers while Chop offered him a beer, Finn nodded, thinking he could really use it, so he extended his right arm out to catch the beer Chop was tossing his way, he gave the can a quick tap on the top before cracking it hearing that satisfying sound, Finn took a healthy swig then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand wincing as he momentarily forgot about his burn.

“Arch should be here soon” Chop said right before his beer touched his lips.

Finn nodded, “So I take it you like to play football?” Finn asked to break up the silence.

Chop nodded as he brought the can away from his mouth, “Yeah, you?” Chop asked.

“Yeah, haven’t played in a while though” Finn sighed tapping his fingers against his beer can, it was the truth he hadn’t done much of anything since is Nan passed, he just been in lull wondering around without much meaning.

“Hey guys” Archie said walking up behind Finn he sat down in the lounger next to him.

“Hey Arch, how was work?” Chop asked, as he kicked the football back and forth between his feet.

“Not too bad, kind of slow today” he shrugged as he popped open a beer.

“How was your day off?” Archie asked then took a swig of his beer.

“Fucking boring, mate” Chop shook his head.

“I work at a garage in town” Chop said looking at Finn.

“Today was my day off, I’m not used to days off during the week” he rambled on.

“Is it only a summer gig?” Finn asked.

“Nah, full time, I decided school wasn’t my thing, what about you where you at?” Chop asked.

“I’ll be starting my second year of college when it’s time to go back”

“Yeah, me too, the girls you met the other day will be staring there first” Archie added.

Finn nodded acknowledging, “Shall we kick the ball around or what” Chop said standing,

Finn and Archie stood, all three walking further back in the garden Chop had a goal set up and the three messed around for a while, Chop pretending to score a winning goal and running around taking his shirt off with his arms in the air. Archie just shook his head and Finn smirked as if to say ‘is he always like this’ Archie caught and said ‘that’s Chop’ and chuckled.

As the night dwindled down and more beers were drank and more goals were scored, Finn was feeling the effects of the alcohol, he made his excuses to head home, “good hanging out mate” Chop slurred, “See you around” Archie said, Finn waved to them and headed home.

When he got in the house was quiet so he knew his dad was asleep, he made his way into the kitchen to get a glass of water to take up to his room with him, when he got into his room he switched on his main light walking over to his chest he set his water down and noticed a tube of burn cream knowing his dad must have left it for him, he still felt the dull sting in his hand but tried to ignore it because it only made him think about her. He turned on his bed side light and stripped off his clothes, as he walked towards the door to turn off the main light he glanced up at his wardrobe, he thought for a moment opening and closing his hand with the burn and then switched off his light. He walked back to his bed sitting down and opened up the burn cream lightly rubbing some over his burn, it almost immediately soothing the dull ache he had been feeling, he set the tube down switched off his light and laid down sleep overcoming him quickly.

–

The next morning he was definitely feeling the effects of his drinking, he woke with a pounding headache, and stretched groggily rubbing his hands over his face then sat up in bed swinging his feet over touching them to the cool wooden floor; he glanced at the clock and knew his dad would be at work as it was nearly 11 am, he made his way into the bathroom to take care of business then went down stairs for some much needed hydration.

He sat at the dining table sipping on water not really feeling in the mood to eat anything, as he picked up his glass to take the last sip of his water he noticed the red burn on his hand had gone down dramatically from the previous day, so there would be no lasting damage. He went into the kitchen setting his cup in the sink then headed outside, as soon as he stepped out he knew it was mistake, it was too bright for him and he was in no state to be working outside today, he hated to miss a day’s work but he knew it was best to recuperate so he can be at his best. He walked back inside shutting the door behind him, he walked back up the stairs to his room and fell back on to his unmade bed. He rolled over on to his side reaching over to open his drawer and fish out a magazine when he was hit with sudden déjà vu, he tried to shake off the feeling and instead decided to get up and make his bed, after he made his bed in what seemed like 10 seconds flat he sat down on his bed his foot taping against the wood floor, he sighed, there was no fighting it, he stood walking over to his wardrobe and swiftly picking the diary up off the top, he walked back over to his bed sitting down holding the red hard covered book in his hands, he took a deep breath knowing that there was no coming back from what he was about to read, he knew her world was full of hopelessness and despair, he had been their once before, not only in her world but in his own as well. He slowly opened the diary running his fingers lightly over her name, he flipped the pages until he got to a new entry,

25th November, 1995

Dear Diary…


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

I’m currently sitting in the library at school, I finished all my assignments, so I thought I would write a little to keep busy, that way I can stay in here and hide a bit longer. No one bothers me in here, well no one really ever comes in here and stays. I did eat a little bit, I figured I could do it since I’m unseen in here, I had a few crisps, which should tide me over until I get home later. Did I forget to mention that I can’t eat in front of people, because I can’t, I think its standard though when you are fat, it’s a lose lose situation all the way around, if I eat unhealthy food they’ll think ‘look at that fat cow, no wonder she got to that size’ or if I eat healthy food they’ll think ‘who are you trying to kid, you didn’t get to that size by eating salads’, I just know that’s what they’re thinking I can see it on their faces; I guess it’s just another thing to add to the long list of shit wrong with me.

 

In other news, I saw my old friend today, she didn’t see me; she looked happy like her life was really working out for her, she was standing in a circle with her friends and they all just seemed…happy. What I would give to feel happy, to feel anything other than what I’m feeling, nothing will ever change though, I have come to the realization, that for however much longer I’m on this earth..which if things are headed to where I think they are..it won’t be much longer..that sadly I will leave never knowing the feeling of happiness, I bet it feels warm though, or maybe it’s a fizzy type feeling, I dunno, I wish I did though. 

“Rae..” he said breathless “I’m so sorry” a tear ran down his cheek and he wiped it away.

His heart ached for her, he had never known someone to be so sad, to never experience happiness, he wondered if it had always been this way for her, if she never truly had a good experience of any kind, and if not how she lasted so long. He had to take a moment to collect himself, then he turned the page to the next entry. 

Dear Diary, 

26th November, 1995

I’ve just come home from school, which was just hell, same shit different day, but I when I got home I collected the post and my dad had sent me a post card. It didn’t say much and it had another cheesy quote about being ‘true to oneself’ or some shite like that but it’s nice to know he is thinking of me, even though he abandoned me. 

I wish I could see him, I mean I know he sends me postcards now and then saying that he’s thinking of me, but if that’s true then why has he never tried to get in contact with me or stay in contact with me for that matter, to physically see me, even though I’m afraid I’ll just be a disappoint to him like I am to everyone else, maybe he already knew I would be a useless blob and thought why bother. But still how can a parent just go through life knowing they had a kid and not do everything for them, to be there for them, when they’re hurt or sad or happy, I just can’t understand. 

Now, I should say that I sometimes don’t give my mum enough credit, because she is there for me she supports me as much as she can, but we have never been the type of family who is open and honest with our feelings, but I would think she would be there if I opened up to her, but I hardly ever see her, she works so much that it’s like I’m living alone, but I know she is doing the best she can, everybody is really. 

Finn noticed the droplets of tears pooling on the page he had been reading, he wiped his tears with the back of his hand, and he sniffed hard clearing his throat and sighing, he ran his hands over his face,

“You’re not alone Rae” he spoke softly.

He eyes flickered to the top of his wardrobe where his photos albums lie and he shook his head then proceeded to cradle his head in his hands for a few moments, hoping he would be able to suppress the feelings of his mum leaving him, to push them down deep inside of him as he always did, never wanting to face his emotions, because the last time he did, the last time he allowed his feelings show, it was in full force and it led to him sitting where he is now, reading the diary of a deeply depressed girl, a girl he sadly would never know. He took shuddering breath and flipped the page to the next entry.

Finn spent the afternoon reading only 2 more entries of Rae’s diary, they all had a similar tone, nothing ever seemed to look up for her, if she wasn’t cutting herself or burning herself, she was describing the complete and utter hopelessness she was feeling, the feeling of no longer wanting to live, the shit people would say to her, how she was bullied at school and had no one to turn to, no one to tell her different from what she was hearing, she was all alone. As Finn read his heart broke more and more for her, he couldn’t help the tears that would form and release when reading it was all just so heart wrenching, he wished so much to have known her, to tell her she was better than the ones bulling her, that he would be her friend, to stop her from hurting herself, that he would be there for her, that she’s not alone.

The sun was setting low in the sky and he knew his dad would be getting home soon, when he stood up and stretched he found he was not feeling so well and it had nothing to do with his hangover, that had subsided hours before, now the feeling he was having was one of numbness, his chest weighed a heavy and his heart ached, his feet drug and his mind felt disconnected from everything but the thought of Rae. He clutched the diary close to his heavy heart, wishing that things could have been different for her, he sighed looking at the time knowing he needed to get dinner ready for him and his dad so he turned around lifting up his pillow gently laying the diary under it setting the pillow over it.

He finally made his way slowly downstairs, after a very emotionally trying day he still had to clean up the cups and dishes in the sink from the night before, so he washed and dried them quick enough and then began to look through the fridge and pantry in search of something to make for dinner, after a few minute search he ended on bangers and mash, it was easy enough and his dad quite enjoyed it. He tried to concentrate on the task at hand rather than Rae, but he couldn’t help it. When he was finally able to say her name out loud it made her real, he knows she is real, well was real, but the feeling was different when he was finally able to utter her name, especially after reading her diary. It made the connection they shared real, knowing he wasn’t alone, and wishing he could tell her she wasn’t alone, that they are the same, both suffering in silence with no one to turn to, no one to understand what it’s like to feel unwanted to the extent of abandonment.

As he mindlessly cooked dinner he thought about Rae, about what happened to her in the end, he hadn’t allowed himself to think of the possibility that she might have done it, but the tone of her diary set the stage for a very tragic story and he could already safely assume how it ended. He caught a tear before it dropped into his water, his aching knowing she was gone.

He heard the front door open and shut, he wiped his face off once more for good measure then made his way out of the kitchen to greet his dad.

“Hiya” Gary chirped happily.

Finn gave a weak smile and a whisper of “dinner is ready in five”

“You look a bit rough” Gary smirked, unknowing of what Finn was dealing with.

Finn nodded, “Hangover” he sighed then ran his fingers through his hair.

“Have a good time last night then”

“Yeah, it was just the lads, Chop and Archie, just kicked the football around” he shrugged.

“Glad you’re making friends son, I’m gonna wash up” Gary patted Finn on the shoulder in passing.

When Gary came back Finn had taken the liberty of plating their food, dinner was the same as it was previously he sat listening to his dad nodding and commenting at appropriate times, his mind much occupied with thoughts of someone else.

After dinner Finn washed the dishes in a daze, he was finishing up drying the last cup when his dad came in the kitchen.

“The post came” Gary said, his voice nervous.

Finn nodded as he put the glass in the cupboard, thinking it was rather fast that he mail had got sorted out so soon.

“Mostly just junk, but there was one letter..it’s for you”

Finn looked to his dad furrowing his eyebrows in bewilderment, he wondered who could have written him, he never gave his friends his new address, and then thought maybe his aunt might have given it to one of his friends.

Finn took a step towards Gary, Gary held the letter tightly in his hand close to his chest,

“Who’s it from, Matt, Dan?” Finn questioned, those would be the only ones who would have written him as he had known them the longest.

“No..” Gary said softly.

Finn shrugged waiting for his dad to reply, “It..Its from your mum”

Finns eyebrows drew together do fiercely it hurt, his eyes narrowed as his jaw clenched and his fists balled. “Throw it away” he said sternly.

“Finn..” Gary sighed.

“No, I don’t want to hear it, toss it” Finn said, his jaw setting a harsh line.

“I understand how you are feeling, but she is yo—“

“No, she’s not! she made that clear, now fucking trash it” Finn said raising his voice.

Gary sighed, “I’ll just put in my office in case you mi—“

“No..” Finn said angrily, then he swiftly walked by his dad swiping the letter out of his hand, he ripped in in half and stomped his way to the front door, he swung it open harshly walked to the curb opened the trash bin and didn’t stay to watch the halves float to the bottom, he slammed the lid down and walked back in the house, where he shut the door calmly and made his way up stairs to his room.

When he got to his room and closed the door behind him he started to shake, he could feel the tears ready to spill, he sat quickly on his bed and hid his face in his hands as he tried not to cry to loud, his right leg bounced up and down as he tried to take deep breaths, they were coming in short as he suppressed the urge to just let go completely, he sucked in a hard breath, “no, no, fuck this, fuck her” he said to himself, hoping it will make it hurt less, trying to force himself to not want to feel like this anymore, to give her power over him, she left him and that was that she lost all right to be concerned about him anymore, how dare she send him a letter, how dare she think it’s alright to try to contact him after what happened, she made it very clear that he was no longer part of her life, that she had never given him a second thought during her new life, he was glad he tore up the letter and tossed it, he tossed it like she tossed him, quick and easy, never looking back. 

He laid back on his bed then curled up on his side, hiding his face in his pillow, he slid his hand hot hand under the cool pillow, his knuckles grazing the diary he had only just placed there and hour earlier, he turned his hand sliding his fingers under and gripped it tightly as if he would somehow draw the strength he was lacking from it, he sighed and his breathing was becoming more even and his sobbing had subsided, he slid the diary out from under his pillow and cradled it in his right hand close to his chest before falling asleep.

-

The next morning he had woken up in a sweat breathing heavily, tears streaming down his face, he had dreamt of his ten year old self chasing after a his mum, he couldn’t see her face only her outline, everything was a blur but he could make out he was running through the park where he used to play football and then was suddenly taken back to his street and continued running after her but never seeming to get any closer, then when he reached the end of his street she was gone and he began crying out for her to come back, pleading that he would be better, to not leave him, asking what he had done wrong.

Finn closed his eyes tightly the dream beginning to fade away from his memory but the pain he was experiencing from his dream was present and all too real. He turned lying flat on his stomach burrowing his face in his pillow then realized he still had the diary clutched in his hand, he hadn’t let it go since he took it out from under his pillow, he slid it back under his pillow and flexed his hand in opening and closing motions to relieve the tightness.

As he flexed his hand he thought back to Rae, he wondered if her father had always sent her postcards, from what he could assume her dad had never been in her life at all, but did he always keep in this bit of contact, did she ever write him back, he wondered. He got out of bed thinking about Rae, thoughts of his mum subsiding for the time being, he went to the bathroom and then made his way downstairs for some toast and juice. He brought it back up to his room and sat cross legged on his bed as he pulled out the diary, he thumbed over the pages to chance and see that it was completely filled up, and couldn’t help the want of turning to the last entry, to see if the was even a glimmer of hope she was okay, he turned to the last entry and saw it was for February 1996, he sighed looking up at the ceiling and took a deep breath preparing himself, he looked back down at the page and before he started there was a knock at the door.

He shut the diary quick and slid it under his pillow like he was about to be caught, he pulled on his shirt and made his way downstairs to open the door.

“Chop?”

“Hey Finn, just headed off to work but I hadn’t seen you outside yet and just wanted to let you know that it looks like rain” Chop looked up as he pointed to the sky.

Finn took a step out and sighed, “I hate this fuckin’ weather” Finn muttered

“Thanks for comin’ over” Finn said.

“Sure mate, wouldn’t want your work to get ruined, anyway I’m off” Chop waved and hurried down the drive.

Finn closed the door and hurried to the garden where he started to gather up the wood and tools and carry them into the shed so they would be safe in case it did rain, and as luck would have it as he carried the last piece of wood in he felt cool droplets of rain hit his head, he sighed knowing it was another day wasted.

He went back up to his room and felt the rumble in his stomach, he ate his cold toast, finished his warm juice and listened to the patter of rain on his window before picking up the diary, he decided not to skip to the end but to read it in order and experience things when she experienced them and see her through to the end. He flipped the open the diary to the next entry,

29th November, 1996 

Dear Diary, 

I’m in the library at school again, and something has been on my mind, that stupid quote my dad had written to me about being true to ones self, I don’t why it’s just niggling in the back of my mind, what does it even mean to be true to ones self, I don’t know who I am, so even if I did know what it meant it wouldn’t matter, maybe it just means to be you, to just simply be you, and to not give in to those around and to do what makes you happy, if that was the message he was trying to send then it was received, but maybe it was his roundabout way of telling me that’s why he left, he had to be true to himself and that meant not wanting to raise a kid. 

I wish I could write him and ask him what he is really trying to say with all these bullshit quotes, because now thinking about it, it pisses me off, I don’t know how to interpret them or how he wants me to interpret them. I know I said that it was nice to know he was thinking of me, but now I think I’m done, I’ve had a good while to think about it and he left me, and only for the last six months he has been sending me post cards, why now, is his guilt of abandoning his child too much and he’s trying to make up for lost time, well if so he can fuck off. If I had his return address I would write him and tell him it’s too late and to stop writing me, that I don’t need him and his bogus fucking postcards. The damage has already been done and no fucking postcard once or twice a month is going to make up for 15 years of abandonment, for making up of knowing your dad never wanted you, that my dad never wanted me.

I must say I feel a little better letting out the resentment I held towards him, I think if I get another postcard I’ll just tear it up and bin it, save myself from further pain and wonder in the end, I think that’s enough for now, got to get to class. 

Finn shut the diary after finishing the entry, he knew she was right it was too late for her dad to making up for lost time, just as it was too late and pointless for his mum to be writing him a letter, albeit he didn’t know what it said, but he would find out and he would do what Rae couldn’t do, he would right her and tell her exactly how much she fucked up and then kindly tell her to fuck off out of his life just as she had done to him.

Finn made his way downstairs and opened the front door the rain was coming down heavily but he didn’t care, he made his way barefoot to the trash bin and opened the lid he saw the two halves laying undisturbed, he took a breath and reached in collecting them, he shut the lid and made his way back in the house and up to his room.

He sat at his desk his clothes damp and water rolling of his hair down the sides of his face and neck, he pieced the torn letter together and could easily make out the return address, he took out the letter and some clear tape and taped the letter together, it was only one page, he took a deep breath,

25th May 1996

Finn,


	5. Chapter 5

Finn, Finn, Finn, Finn, he read over and over, it looked and sounded so cold, he could almost hear the tone she used when writing it, a disconnected obligatory tone, he swiveled his chair around hunching over cradling his face in his hands, he wanted so badly to not feel the hurt anymore, to not shed anymore tears over the stranger that was once his mother. He wanted to feel nothing for her, to treat her how she had treated him, to forget her just as easily as she forgot him. He wiped off his face using the back of his hand and dazedly looked out his window watching as the rain pattered against it, there was loud crack of thunder that brought him out of his daze, he suddenly crossed the room to retrieve Rae’s diary and brought it back to his desk. 

 

He sat down and flipped through until he found the entry he was looking for, he re-read it, and certain parts stuck out to him, like the part Rae had mentioned about her father writing her all of a sudden, if he was guilty in some way for abandoning her. Finn wondered why his mother was writing him now, she had known where they were all this time, why did she choose now to write to him, was it because she was feeling guilty over what happened nearly two months ago, was she finally going to offer an explanation as to why she left, could he handle what she had to say? Finn knew he would never know unless he read the letter, no matter how much he wanted to just toss it again and tell her to fuck off, he knew he needed to read it, he owed it to himself, maybe if he read the letter he can finally let the hold she had over him go, maybe he would finally have his question answered as to why she left, and just maybe whatever she had written him would allow him to finally be able to move on from her, to let the idea of having a mother go. 

 

Finn closed Rae’s diary and set it carefully off to the side, he smoothed out his letter and taking a deep breath he began to read, 

 

Finn, 

 

I know this untoward, as we have not had any contact in over 7 years. I think your old enough now to know what happened, especially after that day. Me leaving was what was best for you, I was too young to understand what it meant to be a mother, I did my best but I knew it wasn’t enough, it never would be. I was so young when I had you, I didn’t even know who I was and then suddenly I was a mum. This may sound horrible and selfish and I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me, but I just had to leave before I resented you and your father, I loved you both as much as I could, but that life wasn’t for me, not at that time anyway, maybe I should have left sooner before you could remember me, but I tried to be a mum, I really tried, until I couldn’t anymore. 

 

Know the way I treated you that say was because I had to protect my family, my husband has no knowledge of you and I intend to keep it that way, we have been apart far to long for you to be anything to me now, you’re in my past as I am in yours, I hope one day you’ll understand that what I did was for the best. 

 

Take care and have a good life. 

 

Finn had hot tears streaming down his face, he wanted to laugh and scream all at once. He wondered why she had even sent this pointless letter, was she afraid that he was going to come knocking on her door asking to her to be his mum again, no, he could never do that, she was right, too much time had passed, they were strangers now. 

 

But, Finn couldn’t understand how she thought she wasn’t the mother he needed, why she would think he deserved better, when she was the best, she was what he needed. He sniffed back his tears, the hopeful wishes of the ten year old inside of him dying, he knew realistically nothing would ever be the same, she would never again be his mum, and no matter how much he knew it to be true, there was always that scare maybe one day feeling of hope, but now that was dead and gone. 

 

Finn sat feeling immovable just staring down at the letter, he thought about it for a long while. She had a new family now, and even if she did want him he wouldn’t fit into her new life, and he wasn’t sure if he’d want to. 

 

Finn sighed knowing he had all the answers he was going to get, and it was enough, he could finally let her go, let the pain of the past must remain in the past. 

 

He pondered writing her back, there really was no reason to, but as he was thinking about what he could possibly say he was opening his desk drawer pulling out his little sketch notebook and flipped to a blank page, he picked up the pen pressing it to the page and began to write, when he was done he tore out the page folded it neatly, slid into an envelope where he stamped it scribble out her address and proceeded to walked downstairs out his front door into the rain where he stood at the mailbox, rain dripping down his face, he took a deep breath lifting the letter to the slot, “time to let go” he spoke softly to himself, then slipped the letter into the slot. 

 

He hurried back to the house and went up to his room to change as he was soaked, he changed into sweat pants and a hoodie. He sat back down at his desk and ran his lightly over Rae’s diary, “I did it Rae, I let her go” he sighed. 

 

He picked up his pen and tapped it on his open notebook, he soon had a beat going and started to tap his foot along to it, he laughed feeling better, he finally had the closure he needed, for seven years he wondered what he had done wrong, and it was nothing, it was all her, she was the one who decided to leave, she was the one who had the problem. He thought about what she wrote about not wanting to resent him and his father, and he thought maybe she was right, it was for the best; him and his dad did get along just fine without her, and his Nans presence made up for her leaving in more ways than one, Finn laughed humorlessly thinking that he actually needed his mum, when he didn’t, he had his dad and his Nan, who were always there for him and would never leave him. 

Sure it hurt that his mum left but in the grand scheme of things she was right, if she would have stayed who knows what would have happened, maybe her resentment would have come to fruition and it would have just been a hostile environment where he would have ended it up hating her and wishing she had left. 

 

It’s all in the past now, and he can finally start to move on from this, not having a constant worry about what had happened, what he had done wrong, why he wasn’t enough, when it was her, she wasn’t enough. 

 

He glanced at the clock and realized his dad would be home soon. 

 

He made his way downstairs and into the kitchen picking up the phone to order a pizza, he got a glass of water making his way back up to his room, when he got in his room he glanced at the top of the wardrobe at his photo albums, he thought about getting rid of them so he wouldn’t be haunted anymore, but decide against it, there were happy times that were documented in there, he was happy and he wanted to remember his childhood as happy. 

 

A few minutes had passed and he was still standing looking up at his photo albums, he set his glass of water down and walked back over to his wardrobe picking up the top photo album, he sat crossed legged in the middle of his room and opened the dark blue cover. 

 

The first set of pictures was from his 5th birthday, they had went to the zoo. The picture was of him and his mum holding hands at the entrance both wearing a khaki colored safari hat, Finn was missing one of his front teeth, and had no shame in smiling as widely as he could. He analyzed the smile on his mums face and it seemed genuine, he wondered when she began to feel inadequate as a mother. 

 

He flipped through the next few pages only glancing over them, then he came to a picture of his 8th birthday, they had went to a waterpark. Finn looked closely at the picture, it was of him and is friend Matt, the suncream they had thick on their noses smudging off to the side as they stuffed their face with pizza, in the background of the picture were some of his friends and other park goers, he had never noticed hid mum before now. She was half in the picture her face looking away from him and his group of friends, she had a far off look in her face, one that seemed sad. 

 

Finn thought back to that day, and not once could he even remember his mum. He knew she was there but nothing stood out. Not like it did when they went to the zoo, not like it did for his 7th birthday when they went bowling and she was the one who needed the bumpers and they all laughed when she still managed to get the ball in the next lane. 

 

He wondered if this is when she stopped trying, he carefully analyzed the next pictures and found, that she was hardly in any of them, and if she was she was just lingering in the background not meaning to be in the picture. The last picture she was actually smiling in was the picture of him and her after he won his first football match and she was smiling and crying, they were in a pile on the ground. 

 

He wondered now if she was smiling because she was happy for him or because she new she was leaving. 

 

By this time Finn was crying and didn’t register the knock on his door opening or how he willingly leaned into the strong arms that wrapped around him, his tears flowing hot and heavy down his face as his dad rocked him. 

 

Gary soothed him in hushed tones and rubbed his back trying to calm him, Finn only tightening the grip he had on his dads shirt. 

 

A few moments passed and Finn sobbed out, "I r-read the let-tter“ his grip on his dad strong. 

 

Gary moved his right hand petting the back of Finns head, "oh my boy..” Gary sighed, “Maybe you shouldn’t have, maybe I was wrong to have..” 

 

“No, no..I..I needed to do it..bu-but she’s not my mum anymore.." Finn sobbed. 

 

"S-he stop-ped being my mum long before she left, I was just to young to realize” Finn cried gripping his dad. 

 

Gary shushed Finn continually petting his hair, his own eyes welling with tears. 

 

A few moments passed and Finn gradually loosened his hold on his dad. He finally pulled out of his dads embrace wiping off his face with his hands. 

 

“Just a little bit ago I thought I was over her, that I got what I needed and could finally let her go..” Finn breathed out heavily “..but its still hurts..” 

 

“Finn, she was your mum, regardless of how long she was in our lives..” 

 

“But she didn’t even want to be my mum, and I should hate her but I don’t..I tried.. I thought I could..” Finn began to sob. 

 

“You had a lot of happy memories with her, she was your mum, she tried..but I knew sooner or later she would leave, we tried to make it work for you, believe that Finn, but I don’t know I can’t say for sure what it was but she just couldn’t do it anymore, and sometimes I wish she would have left sooner..” Gary sighed. 

 

Finn wiped away his falling tears and nodded acknowledging his dad, "she said..she tried in the letter..she said that maybe she should have left sooner..“ 

 

"She thought she was doing you and me a favor, that we deserved better..” Gary spoke softly. 

 

“I know.” Finn nodded. 

 

“Is that really all it was?” Finn asked finally able to look at his dad. 

 

Gary nodded, “If you think it was something you or I did, it wasn’t, it was all her, some people have kids unexpectedly and adjust to that new life, I did, I couldn’t wait to be a dad, but she couldn’t, no matter how many years passed or how hard she tried, but she loved you Finn, don’t ever doubt that..” 

 

“Just not enough.." Finn sighed. 

 

”…now she has a new family..and said she wants nothing to do with me..that we’ve ben apart for to long..I’m nothing to her now..“ 

 

"How can I believe that she ever loved me..” tears began to flow steadily down his face. 

 

“Finn..” Gary sighed, “I want to show you something..” Gary stood up and motioned for Finn to follow him, they made their way downstairs and into Gary’s office. 

 

Gary walked over to his bookshelf and pulled out a small sky blue colored book. 

 

“Here..maybe I should have showed you this a long time ago…” Gary said handing it to Finn. 

 

Fin looked down at the cover of the book and it read Baby Journal: The Story of Finnley James Nelson. 

 

Finn sat at his dads desk not having the energy to walk back up to his room, Gary slipping out to give him privacy. 

 

He opened the book and read the first entry it was short. 

 

My little Finnley, 

 

Its almost time for us to meet properly, I can hardly wait, I love you already. 

 

My little Finn, 

 

I brought you home today, you are so tiny and perfect, I can hardly believe that you were the one kicking me all those months, you look so innocent. I love you. 

 

My little Finn, 

 

You are quite the squirmier, I have no doubts that you will be a football star, I can’t wait to cheer you on. I love you. 

 

Finn sobbed as he read the short entries in his baby book, they were all short and sweet, detailing little moments together, but soon he read a page that was different from the rest. 

 

My little Finn, 

 

You almost were hurt today, I had laid you on the sofa for your nap, I forgot to place a pillow to protect you from rolling off, I don’t know what happened, luckily I caught you in time, I would have never forgiven myself if something were to happen to you. I’m doing the best I can I hope you feel that. I love you. 

 

My little Finn, 

 

I do hope you can feel how much I love you and how much I’m trying, I’m sorry I slept through your feeding, I’m just so tired. I love you please, forgive me. 

 

As Finn read on there were more and more entries detailing her failings as a mum, and less happy ones. When she did write about happy ones, like about his first laugh, she detailed how much she loved him and would dwell back on things that had happened that may have prevented that happiness. 

 

Finn didn’t want to read anymore, he closed the book and went to find his dad siting at the dining room table, the box of pizza left untouched in the middle. 

 

“I couldn’t finish it..” Finn spoke softly as he sat down. 

 

Gary nodded, “She really did try then.." Finn spoke 

 

"Yeah, she did..” Gary sighed. 

 

“I think…I think I’ll be okay..” Finn nearly whispered. 

 

“In time yes, you will be, but there will always be a small part of you that will long for your mum and that’s okay..” 

 

“I’ve realized that, I think that maybe her leaving was for the best after all, she berated herself when she had done something wrong or that could have hurt me in some way, and I believe she did try her best..” Finn sighed. 

 

“She did Finn, she beat herself up all the time, she wanted so badly to be the perfect mum for you, but she never saw that she could be, so..when she finally had enough, had enough of feeling like a disappointment…she left..” 

 

Finn nodded understanding, “Do you think that’s why she wants nothing to do with me now because she afraid of being a disappointment?” Finn asked. 

 

“I think that she doesn’t want to be a disappointment to us as well as her new family, for us to see that she could make it work with another family but not with us, to make us think that she didn’t try with us, but now you know she gave what she could at the time, and she doesn’t want to be a disappointment for her new family in the sense that she couldn’t handle being a mum and wife in her old one.” 

 

“I should have discussed this with you sooner, but after what happened I just knew we needed to get away, start fresh..” Gary sighed feeling guilty. 

“I wasn’t ready to talk about it, if that day would have never happened I would still be bottling it all in, I wasn’t really ready now to talk about it, but I’m glad it happened..I needed it to.” Finn spoke. 

 

“I think I need to say that..” Finn trailed off wanting to form his words coherently. 

 

“That..even though mum left and I was sad and missed her, you were more than enough and I know how hard you tried to make things easier for me, you and Nan both..and..” 

 

“..and I think my life was better with just you and Nan, the way mum scolded herself, I think it would have ended badly in the end..she mentioned not wanting to resent us and I think that’s how it would have ended..” 

 

“I’m better off in the long run that she left when she did, I just I’m glad I can find comfort in knowing that she really did try and thought leaving was what was best for me, wanting me to have a better life..” Finn trailed off. 

 

Gary gave Finn a small smile, “I’m glad you think that me and your Nan were enough, I tried my best Finn, I know it was rough for you after she left, but I hoped I let you know how much I love you and would never leave you” Gary sighed. 

 

“You did Dad, you and Nan both.." Finn smiled small at his dad. 

 

"I’m hungry now, shall we” Finn smiled and Gary nodded. 

 

Both ate their pizza in silence, when they were through Gary and Finn both stood up, Gary collecting the glasses and Finn folding up the pizza box to throw it away. As they crossed paths Finn set the pizza box down on the table and engulfed his dad in a hug, Gary sighed wrapping his arms around his son, “I love you" Finn whispered. 

 

"I love you my son, you know I’m here whenever you feel the need to talk." Gary spoke back softly. 

 

They pulled out of the hug with an awkward chuckle, Gary made his way to the kitchen and Finn outside. 

 

When he got outside it was no longer raining, he walked to the end of the drive and tossed the pizza in the trash bin, he got halfway back up the drive before turning around and heading back down. He walked over to the mailbox knowing that his letter was still in there, he knew if he wanted to let it go really he needed to not send her that letter, it would only make him wonder, so he opened the mailbox and took out the letter folding in his back pocket. He shut the mailbox making his way back in the house shouting to his dad he would be in his room. 

 

He shut the door to his room delicately leaning back against it when it was fully shut, he sighed, his face feeling swollen and tender. He took a deep breath walking over to where he left his photo album on the floor, he picked it up closing it and walking it back over to his wardrobe he placed them on the top and pushed it further back. 

 

He walked over to his desk picking up Rae’s diary where he left it, his own sketch book still open where he had torn out the page. He reached in his back pocket pulling out the letter and stuck inside of his sketch book closing it. 

 

He picked up Rae’s diary and his sketch book taking both with him to his bed. he set them down beside him then picked up the picture of him and his Nan, he smiled weakly at the picture, he needed his Nan now more than ever, wishing he could talk to her, when he did open up it was to her, and when he was done he listened to her words of wisdom, of encouragement, her words always seemed to soothe him. 

 

He set the picture back down next to his alarm clock then resituated himself so he was sitting up against his head bored, his legs crossed at the ankle Rae’s diary in hand, he held it for a moment before opening it. He hesitated for a moment thinking, he set the diary on the bed to his right and got up. He walked over to his desk picking up his pen, he made his way to the position he was formerly in and opened up his sketch book. He shifted bringing his knees up and placing his open sketch book against his lap, he bit the inside of his cheek as he pressed the tip of the pen to the top right corner of the page and wrote out the date. 

 

12th June, 1996


	6. Chapter 6

Three weeks had passed since Finn had faced his mum, figuratively speaking. The first few days were rough, especially at night when his thoughts would catch up with him. During the day he kept himself busy not wanting to think about the letter or the baby book, but it sometimes would flash in his mind causing a lump in his throat and his chest to constrict, he would take a necessary moment to calm himself with deep breaths before he would continue with what he was doing. He worked on his music shelf most of the day, when calling it an evening he would head inside and cook or order in dinner for him and his dad. Then he would go up to his room and write in what was now, his journal.

 

After that first entry a few weeks prior he continued to write in it every night, he found writing about his daily routine and thoughts somewhat therapeutic, he continued to read Rae’s diary as well but stuck to only reading one entry every night. He found the more he read the more he wished he would have never found her diary; his heart ached for her with every passage, he would never know this girl and yet, she was almost his friend, he knew her inner workings, how she thought, what she liked and disliked, he understood her humor and could relate to her on certain levels, and possibly the worst/best of all was, they had the exact same taste in music.

When he would come across an entry not so heart wrenching, he would find himself laughing and imagining what her voice would sound like saying that particularly witty comment, or offer feedback, like one would do to a good book, his words dissipating into the air like a cloud of smoke never to be heard by the protagonist. In sad moments it would make him feel powerless, like he was chained down having to endure along with her the wretchedness she suffered, it left him heartbroken knowing she was all alone feeling lost, no one there to comfort her, to stop the bad thoughts from forming in her mind, to tell those twats at school she’s worth a thousand of them, or to realize the true beauty that lie with in her, to discover what he had discovered merely by reading about her thoughts and struggles, and the fact that no one would ever have the chance to actually know her, that he would never know her, made it hard for him to breathe. 

–

It was now July and the summer seemed to drag on, Chop had extended several invitations to him to hang out, go to a party or down to the pub, but he declined, it may have sounded and looked dismal but he was content working outside on his music case and looked forward to relaxing in the evenings writing in his journal and reading Rae’s diary. His dad did get on his case a little about making friends and not being cooped up in the house all day and he considered it, but he did forgo the friend’s issue not wanting to be distracted away from building what would house his most prized possessions.

However, today happened to be another one of those rainy summer days, they had been quite a few this summer, normally he would listen to music and rearrange his music collection to kill time, but today he thought he might nip down to the record shop and peruse for a while.

He contemplated taking his scooter but thought best not to as he didn’t want it sitting out in the rain, so he put on his boots and made his way out of the house. It was only a light sprinkle to begin but he knew it would be picking up in no time, he hoped Mother Nature would be on his side and wait until he made it to the record shop. He kept his head down as he walked, not really thinking about anything, just focusing on his footsteps, until he heard a car horn, he looked up and saw he was walking along the side of a bridge cars whizzing by underneath and beside him. As he walked further he looked around taking in his surroundings knowing this must be the bridge Rae wrote about in her diary. He stood still looking over the side down at the cars passing below and thought back to what Rae had written in her diary.

It would be easy, I walk along that bridge on my way home every day, all I would have to do is just step out and it would be done, I wouldn’t haven’t have to suffer this lonely life anymore, I could just slip away, an in an instant and all my struggles would be gone, I wouldn’t have to endure the taunting and the teasing, I wouldn’t be able to hurt myself anymore, It would be one final act and it would solve everything. 

Finn gripped on to the railing as he took a deep shuddering breath, a single tear slid down his cheek and he couldn’t help but wonder if this is how she did it, if she ended it this way. He felt like time stood still around him, his eyes fixed on the road below, his mind and body paralyzed as the world around him continued. He squeezed his eyes shut and his knuckles turned white under his grip as another tear slid down his cheek, visions of blood and metal clouded his thoughts. 

“Are you alright?” he heard a voice ask from beside him.

He broke out of his menacing reverie not when he heard the voice but when he felt a hand placed on his shoulder, although he was wearing his leather jacket he could still feel the tingling that coursed through his shoulder down his arm.

“I’m fine” he spoke softly not meeting the person’s gaze, he looked away and wiped his tears.

“Are you sure?” the concerned voice asked.

“Yeah…thanks” he sighed then turned to walk away never seeing the girl speaking to him.

He walked a couple of feet and could feel the loss of the hand that was previously on his shoulder. The once warm tingling feeling was now replaced by a cold chill, he shrugged his shoulder to try and rid himself of the feeling as he walked; he thought maybe he should have looked up at the girl who sounded concerned enough about him to not only stop and ask if he was alright but offered a comforting hand. When he looked up next he was on the high street where the record shop was only a few doors down, he walked picking up his pace as the rain began to fall heavily to the ground, when he stepped inside the shop there was a loud crack of thunder overpowering the chime on the door. He walked further into the shop running his hand through his hair shaking out the access water, nothing much he could do about his fringe that was sticking to his forehead so he just left it and then shrugged off his leather jacket.

“Hey haven’t seen you in a bit”

Finn turned around to see Archie with a stack of cds waiting to be categorized.

Finn nodded in hello, “just busy” he shrugged.

“Right, well, I gotta put these away just let me know if you need help” Archie smiled.

Finn nodded and turned to make his way to the punk section, “and by the way were at the pub most nights, you know if your never not busy.” Archie shrugged.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Finn nodded offering a small smile.

Finn walked over to the punk section hanging his jacket on the corner of the shelf to dry as he flipped through the music.

He had made his way slowly through and was currently debating a Sex Pistols live cd when he heard a familiar voice.

“Yep, I think these are the last two, I hope atleast.” the voice said, a sound of relief and annoyance in her soft tones.

“Alright, GreenDay and Primal Scream go well together” Archie chuckled.

Finn’s feet seemed to be stuck to the ground as he overheard the girl from earlier and Archie’s conversation, when he finally was able to move his feet when he heard Archie call out “see you around.”

He walked around in time to see a swoosh of black hair and leather leave out the door in a flash.

He walked to the door ready to push it open when he heard Archie from behind, “You forgot your jacket”

Finn turned to see Archie holding out his leather jacket to him, “Oh, right er..thanks” he said taking the jacket from Archie.

“So buying that Sex Pistols over there or can I put it back” Archie said in a playful tone.

“Er..uh..yeah I’ll get it” Finn said.

He walked over to where he had laid down the album and took up front where Archie met him.

“Did you know that girl?” Archie asked.

“Huh, wh-no..seemed familiar..uh you know her?” Finn stammered as he took out a ten pound note.

“Nah, well she’s been coming the last few days, think something happened to her music collection she’s been coming in with a list..” Archie shrugged as he put the cd in a bag.

Finn nodded, he made to say something but he paused biting his lip, then decided to ask, “Oh, yeah, what’s she been buying Backstreet boys or somthin’ lame” he smirked. He didn’t want it to appear obvious that he was invested in this girl he didn’t know, so he decided the best way to go about it was jokingly.

“Nah, Oasis, Blur, The Stone Roses, stuff like that” Archie said non-chalant.

“Hmm” Finn said in won

“Right well, see you later maybe” Archie said.

Finn shrugged on his jacket and picked up his bag, “Maybe” he said, then walked towards the exit.

It was nearing three when he got outside of the record shop and glanced at his watch. He turned making his way home and was only a few doors down when he passed in front of the charity shop, the one his dad bought his chest at. He’s not sure how it happened, what magical force pulled him in but he found his way inside the shop and was now looking through a box of used cd’s.

As he sifted through the sounds of the 70’s at the bottom of the box he came across a used Primal Scream Screamadelica, a small smile tugged on his lips as he opened the plastic to check the cd was in there, it was, he took it out flipping it over to find it was in pristine condition, he already had it but his case was cracked during the move and for a pound he would have a backup and new case, so he bought it, it had nothing to do with the girl from earlier buying it. 

He made his way home quickly with his new purchases, as the rain had picked up quite a bit, by the time he got home he was drenched. He made his way quickly to his room stripping off his clothes and making a dash to the bathroom to take a nice hot shower.

As the room filled with steam and the water cascade down his soapy body he started thinking about the girl on the bridge and in the record shop, he knew it had to be the same girl, although the tone of her voice was different on the bridge than in the record shop he could her the same underlying tone of concern, he wondered what had happened that she had to repurchase her cds, he couldn’t even fathom if something happened to his music collection, years and years of saving and begging his dad for money, he cringed just at the thought. 

He was brought out of his thoughts by the shock of cold water hitting him, he quickly turned off the water and stepped out the shower, he half hazardly patted himself dry then wrapped the towel around his lower half before making his way across the hall to his room. Once he was dressed he went down stairs to scour the kitchen for something to make for dinner. He had decided it was one of those breakfast for dinner type nights and pulled all the ingredients out for a full English.

-

Gary walked in just as Finn was plating the food.

“Well, what did you get up to today, doubt you managed to get any work done in this weather.” Gary asked cheerfully as he walked across the dining room.

“Just went to the record shop.” Finn shrugged as he and is dad crossed paths, he set the food on the dining table as Gar went to put his things in his office.

“Buy anything?” Gary asked as he pulled out his chair and sat.

“Yeah.”

“Surprised there’s anything left for you to buy, with the state of your room, you’d think you’d have it all.” Gary teased.

Finn rolled his eyes and smirked at his dad before shoveling a fork full of food in his mouth.

“Ah, nice meal to be eating during this kind of weather.” Gary said as he forked his tomato.

Finn nodded through his chewing; the pair ate in relative silence for the most part, Finn knowing his dad must have been tired sifting through paper work, all day.

Finn cleaned up after dinner and headed up to his room. He slipped off his shirt and sat on his bed pulling out his journal and Rae’s diary from under his pillow, he laid back and flipped to the next entry in Rae’s diary and began to read.

Diary, 

I think music is the only thing keeping me here. It’s my only escape from the world, I can engulf myself in happy sounds, in the joys of others, and hope that one day it could be me. For instance my go to right now is Movin’ on up, I listen and I forget for a bit, all the bad in my world melts away for 3 minutes and 45 seconds. 

Finn paused for a moment furrowing his brows, he looked up to where he left his purchases and then back to the diary, he wondered if it was just some random act of coincidence that this would be the third time today that Primal Scream was mentioned. He looked back down at the diary and began to read.

When I listen to that song I feel a glint of hope inside of me, that maybe I can climb out of my darkness and find the light with in me. If anything it gives me hope, that maybe one day I won’t succumb to my bad thoughts, that I can make it through these dark days. 

In other news, I’ve yet to put my sticker up, I’m not sure where I could put it, so for now I have it tucked away in the album art of my Primal Scream cd, I felt a little embarrassed to buy it, as it’s a little risqué, but I don’t know she kinda looked like me, I mean if I were about four stone lighter, so goals, I guess but the hair is almost exact. I didn’t know someone who was fat or maybe I should say curvy, yeah definitely curvy, that someone like that could be presented in a way that looked appealing, sexy even, so I bought it in the hopes of making myself feel better, I doubt it will have much impact, especially if I don’t put it up, but where can one put a sticker of a curvy naked girl who is covering herself with a guitar, and not be embarrassed by it? I’ll let you know when I know diary. 

Finn re-read the entry over again before slowly closing Rae’s diary, he looked up at his bag and mindlessly put Rae’s diary down, he got out of bed and slowly approached his bag with his two cds; he took a deep breath before opening the bag. He opened the bag slowly then paused, “there’s no way, just no way” he said to himself.

He reached his hand in the bag pulling out Screamadelica, he set the bag back down on his desk and slowly drug his feet to his bed and sat, he held the cd in both hands looking down at it, wondering if he could have possibly bought her cd, her chest came from the same charity shop so it was possible but not probable, there was just no way, was there?

He opened the case and slid out the album art from under the plastic teeth, he set the plastic case aside and held the thin paper album book in his hand, he turned the first page, and nothing, he turned the second page and nothing, when he went to turn the third page his heart began to speed up not knowing what he would find, as he turned the page he found a sticker, but the back was facing up so he was looking at a white cut out of what, he wouldn’t know, until he flipped it right side up.

He picked up the sticker turning over quickly like ripping off a band aid, to be greeted with the exact sticker Rae described in her diary.

“What the fuck?” Finn questioned breathlessly.

“How is this even possible?” he wondered aloud.

He ran his thumb over the picture of the girl, “Rae..” he said absent mindedly.

He hadn’t allowed himself to picture what Rae would look like, it would make her to real to him, but really, she already was real to him, even if she was no longer here. He traced over the girl’s big eyes and the pouty lips a small smile tugging on his own.

“I always knew you would be beautiful, Rae..” he whispered.

He slid the album art back into the plastic case and snapped it shut then set it on his chest.

He set the sticker down on top of Rae’s diary and then picked up his own journal turning to a blank page and pressed a pen to it.

When he was done writing he tucked the sticker in between the pages and gently closed the cover.

He slid his and Rae’s diary under his pillows before laying back. His mind went over the day and all the seemingly random occurrences that happened. The girl on the bridge, the same girl in the record store, Primal Scream seeming to be the soundtrack of the day. He rolled over and glanced at his clock it flashing nine o’clock.

He sat up out of bed, “I need a drink” he said as he rubbed his hand over his hair.

He changed into some jeans and a fresh shirt, shrugged a flannel over top and grabbed his leather jacket after putting on his boots.

He made his way downstairs and shouted out to his dad that he would be back later before closing the door headed for the pub.


	7. Chapter 7

Finn knew it was best to walk to the pub, his brain was muddled with the events of the day and he would have been too distracted to drive. As he passed over the bridge once more, he couldn’t help but linger for a moment. He knew it was wishful thinking, well, maybe that wasn’t the right phrase for it; better to say that, although he wasn’t great at maths, he knew the probability of the girl from earlier being on the bridge again, at the same time as him, was slim to none. He really didn’t want to do anything other than thank her for being considerate enough to realize something was wrong and took the time to inquire about it, its not like that feeling she left him with had anything to do with it. So after gathering his thoughts and catching his breath which became shallow in between his nerves and hopes, he continued on in the direction of the pub.

 

As he passed through the green wooden doors he found himself headed straight for the bar. He ordered himself a pint of Fosters and turned surveying the crowd, it wasn’t a familiar face that caught his attention but rather a familiar voice emanating through the crowded chatter. He made his way towards the voice and as he approached the table finding its owner he slowed. His thoughts catching up with him, he had been invited several times, and Archie did invite him earlier in the day, but did he have to voice his answer, or was it alright for him to just show up unannounced, as he worried his bottom lip the familiar voice spoke:

“Fancy seein’ you here, thought you would be locked up all summer.” Chop grinned teasingly.

“Just busy but I fancied a drink tonight.” Finn shrugged.

“Well, don’t stand there like a knob.” Chop said, he motioned to the empty chair to his right.

Finn sat and took a healthy drink of his pint, mainly just to give him time while he racked his brain on what to say.

“So how’d you find that Sex Pistols live?” Archie asked.

“Hadn’t got a chance to listen to it yet.”

“So how is the shelf thing comin’ along?” Chop asked before taking a sip of his own pint.

“Good, would be better if the weather wasn’t shit.” Finn gibed with a displeased laugh.

“Well, if the weather isn’t shit tomorrow you wanna go to Chloe’s rounder’s game, it’s just practice but after were gonna head to Rutlands, have a few beers.”

Finn shrugged not wanting to commit to anything, he looked around, and noticed the girls were missing.

“Where are the girls?” he asked mindlessly, as he was lost in his thoughts. He guessed it didn’t make a difference if they were there, Chop and Archie were a good laugh, and he’d enjoyed having a few beers and kicking the football around with them that one time. Then the next thought he had was about how Chloe was a little flirtatious when he had first met her. It’s not like he’s vain twat, but he had similar encounters with girls in the past, and found they didn’t always give up easily on the flirting, even if it was clear he had no interest in them and the last thing he wanted was to do was give off an available impression.

“Gossipin’ in the ladies.” Chop shook his head.

“They’re probably just filling Rae in on everything; she’s just moved back here from France.” Archie said to Finn while shaking his head at Chop.

Finn nodded appropriately catching only part of what Chop and Archie had said, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, or how to deal with another person, this May girl, but he supposed it didn’t matter, he didn’t have to anything he didn’t want, although everyone had been very kind to him, he thought maybe he should make friends while he could, college would be starting soon and it would be nice to know a few friendly faces.

“Oh funny that Finn, she was the one at the record shop earlier, turns out her and Chloe are like best mates from years ago.” Archie shrugged.

“Yeah, she’s cool..played Beasties earlier..sound in my book.” Chop grinned, then suddenly put his hand to his stomach patting it.

“Man, I’m starving lets go to the chippie.” Chop groaned.

Archie echoed Chops sentiments, “I’m alright, ate already.” Finn said coming back into the conversation.

“You can still come mate.” Chop with an obvious tone.

“Nah, think I’ll finish this then set off.” Finn said holding up his half empty pint.

“Alright, suit yourself.”

“Here’s the girls, let’s go before they order another drink.” Archie said nodding over Finn’s shoulder, all three stood.

“Come round’ mine about 10 if you want we’re all meeting to go.” Chop said.

“Alright.” Finn said waving them off. 

All three walked to the bar, Chop and Archie to the left and Finn to the opposite end to an open space, he didn’t mind dodging the girls he would see them if he decided to go the next day, the May girl sounded alright, they said she liked Beastie Boys, at least he thinks that what they said, in all honesty he wasn’t paying that much attention.

Finn downed the rest of his pint and set the empty glass on the bar. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and walked towards the exit for the long walk home. He made it only a few feet and he suddenly felt a hand on his right shoulder, he turned slightly to see Chloe smiling at him.

“Finn, just wanted to say hi before you left.” Her hand slid from his shoulder slowly down resting on his forearm just behind his elbow.

“Hi.” He said, he turned facing her and stepped back slightly to relieve himself of her grasp.

“You coming to Chloe’s game tomorrow?” he turned a bit more looking around Chloe to see Izzy’s walking up smiling brightly.

“Not sure.” He shrugged, he brought his right hand up scratching his ear, a nervous tick he had developed, mainly arising in awkward uncomfortable situations.

“You and Rae need to come.” Chloe pleaded and pouted playfully.

Finn furrowed his brows thinking he must have heard wrong, “sorry who?” he asked breathless. 

“Oh that’s right you haven’t met, silly me.” Chloe grinned rolling her eyes as if at her own foolishness.

‘Rae..’ he thought to himself, he thought the day couldn’t get any weirder, so much had occurred, so many signs of Rae, it seemed like everywhere he turned something was reminding him of her, the cd, the bridge. He thought for a moment that it couldn’t be the Rae there was just no way, then he thought about what Archie said how Chloe and this Rae had been best mates since they were little, he remembers reading that his Rae had a best mate from when she was little.

He watched as Chloe turned walking a few feet towards someone, Chloe looping her arm through a girl’s who was talking to Chop and Archie, she was tall and had long dark hair that fell down her back, he saw Chloe motion behind her with her free hand, Chloe and the girl turned.

When they turned to face him suddenly the sticker flashed in his mind, big eyes, pouty lips, curvy girl, definitely curvy and the hair, he thought the hair was a dead ringer, it was Rae, his Rae, he knew it, and she’s beautiful. 

When Finn was 13 he and his friends went to an amusement park, he had always been a bit short so he was never able to get on the big rides, but now, he was finally tall enough to ride the biggest ride there, The Striker, it was the rollercoasters of all rollercoasters, or so he thought at the time, it had a 200 foot drop, speeds up to 150 mph, and three upside down loops; many were known to not make it passed the bin once they got off. He was excited to say the least, as him and his friends waited in the queue they had been betting on which of them would make it off the ride without upchucking, but as he grew closer to the front and the number of people exiting the ride and hurling their guts into the nearby bins increased, so did his anxiety; he suddenly felt dizzy, his chest started to constrict, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears and he had this funny fluttering feeling coursing through him, his stomach felt sick and his hands went clammy and he thought he might pass out. That’s what it felt like as he watched the girls approach him, with the added feeling that his legs were about to give out at any moment.

And before he knew it they were standing in front of him.

“Finn, this is my best mate Rae..Rae this is Finn.” Chloe said, leaning into Rae she smiled looking between the two

Rae nodded softly “Hiya.” she near whispered.

“Rae..” he breathed in astonishment just needing to say it out loud, the girls just nodded, a look of wonder passing over the taller girls face.

He’s sure his heart stopped as everything around him started to spin and go fuzzy, he sways a little, his head is feeling light, then all of a sudden a nauseous feeling hits him and his throat is on fire. 

“I think I’m gonna be sick.” He blurts out. He turned away quickly his hand flying up over his mouth, he pushes the wooden green doors with force and stumbles out, he barely made it around to the alley reenacting almost to a tee what happened the moment he got off The Striker. All the contents he had consumed on display on the ground in front of him.

He places his hands against the cool brick wall, the pounding of his heart faster louder than ever, he tries to regain control of his breathing by counting to ten, something he read from HER diary, he could feel tears pricking at his eyes and he’s not sure if it’s because throwing up always makes him cry or because the impossible was happening. Most likely the latter.

He tried to take deep breaths in and out but was failing miserably, it was more like he was struggling for air, gasping like a fish out of water. Suddenly he felt a familiar rush of calm soar through him, it was tingly and warm and swelled until it filled him completely, his breaths becoming even as he continued to hunch over and count.

When his breathing calmed down and the sound of his heart faded from his ears, he heard a voice clear as day, her voice.

“Deep breaths, it’s alright, you’ll be alright.” She continued to rub small circles on his right shoulder blade.

He turned slightly needing to pull himself together, he wiped his mouth with the back of his left hand and stood up as straight as he could for the time being.

“Feel better?” she asked, before he even had time to collect his own thoughts, so many things were swirling through his head, the first being how this was happening, how is she here, how was it that she was standing in front of him, and asking if he was alright, when he should be asking her if she was alright.

All he could manage to do was nod, he watched as she brought her bag off her shoulder unzipping it she reached in, and took out a bottle of water. “Its new.” She said as she handed it to him.

He reached out for the water never breaking eye contact, he turned the top till the seal cracked and took a long swig hoping his brain would produce something of worth in the few short seconds he had to spare. He sighed feeling better as he drew the bottle away from his lips.

“The others went ahead, they apparently don’t do so well when people are sick.” She smiled sympathetically.

“I told them I would check to see if you are alright, I’m sorry I made you sick.” she said, he watched as her eyes widened in shock, he safely assumed she didn’t mean for that to slip out.

“NO!” He shouted.

He cleared his throat quickly, “Sorry..no..no it was the beer…it was the beer, drank it too fast.” He said, it sounded believable enough he hoped. He couldn’t tell her that it was in fact her that made him feel sick, but not for reasons he knows she was thinking, her response further confirming it was in fact his Rae, but he couldn’t tell her why it was her that made him feel ill, at least not yet.

An expression he couldn’t quite figure out flashed over her face, “Right, well, I think I’m going to actually head home.” She said nervously, with that she turned and walked away from him, as all he could do was stare at her.

His heart started to pound as he watched her walk away from him and before his brain caught up his mouth shouted, “Rae, wait!” her name slipping so easily off his tongue gave him a strange sensation, because he was actually talking to her, not her diary.

She stopped and turned looking at him apprehensively from what he could see from his distance. He quickened his pace until he came face to face with her, “er..you want me to walk you home?” was what his mouth produced, not too bad he supposed, but then his brain caught up reminding him that he’s already not the best when it comes to speaking and he would be walking with Rae, his Rae, who he never thought he would meet in this life time.

“I’m okay thanks..” she spoke softly.

“Are you sure?” he found himself punctuating concernedly.

“Yeah..” she replied questionably. 

It pained him to say this but with the way he already acted he didn’t want to scare her. “Alright then.” He replied.

She nodded, “See ya..Finn.” She said then turned walking away.

He stood watching her as she walked at a quickened pace, she turned a corner and was no longer in sight but that didn’t stop him from being rooted to the ground, he was afraid that if he moved it wouldn’t be real, that she wouldn’t have been real, that he was in some cruel dream and she would be ripped away from him, that is until a car horn jolted him out of his trance.

He turned the opposite direction and made his way quickly home, as hurried home, a thought came to him, it was her on the bridge, and she was the one who asked after him. He should have known immediately but so many other things were running through his mind, like that fact that she was alive, actually alive, and how that was even possible. As he made it on to his street he felt the tears beginning to prick again, in both happiness and shame, he was so sure that she did it, that she succeeded in ending her life he never thought she might not have that he didn’t give her the benefit of the doubt, but so many factors pointed to that as a solid conclusion, her chest of drawers, her cds, her diary, what was written in her diary, what other reason could there be for him to possess it all.

When he got to his house he was shaking as he tried to get the key in the door, it finally clicked and he hurried in closing it and then taking the stairs two at a time to his room. He flipped on the light and nearly fell trying to get to his bed, to get to Rae’s diary. He fumbled with it, his nerves getting the best of him, he sat trying to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth, something Rae had written about in one of her many entries.

Once he was collected he opened her diary and flipped to where he was last, he thumbed through the last few pages, thinking it was time to skip to the end, something he hadn’t wanted to do, he wanted to keep her as long as he could, he was aware that he was coming to the end of her diary and he was dreading it, dreading not having her anymore but mostly dreading what the last entry held, what he was sure to be her fate. He took a deep breath hoping he would find answers in her last entry on what happened to her, he was optimistic for a second thinking it might be something positive but there was only one way to find out for certain.

27th February 1996

The silence is growing and the voices are getting louder, music can’t even drown out the sound of my worthlessness. It used to be the only escape I had, music, my soul, my solace, but now without it, I’m nothing, I’m just a shell of the person I used to be. I finally lost the only thing that made me feel a little less empty and now I have nothing, I’m empty inside, I have nothing left to give. I’m broken and jagged beyond repair, I knew it would come to this, silly me still held out some hope, for some reason I don’t know, it’s not like anything would ever change, I’ll always just be a fat useless blob, full on the outside, empty on the inside. It’s daft to think I could have been whole again, I’m not sure I ever have been in all my life, I can’t even think of a time where I didn’t feel like something was missing. 

Every time I hold the blade in my hand it trembles, the darkness with in me taunting me to cut deeper. There’s nothing left for me here. 

“Don’t feel bad for me, I want you to know deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go..”

Finn stared blankly at the page for a moment, then a single tear splashed on the last entry, then his tears flowing steadily.

She ended it with a lyric from Asleep by The Smiths, it seemed like something she would do, he thought, she couldn’t find the words so she let a song do it for her, and in that moment he knew that he would have without a doubt believed that she ended her own life, nothing else could lead him to believe otherwise. 

“But you’re alive Rae, you’re alive.” He repeated to himself over and over.

His emotions were mixed, his heart ached for her, but he was happy she was alive, and he felt more confused than he had ever been in his life, then the not knowing of how this came to be growing, but for a moment he needed to relish in the fact that what he thought could never be actually happened. 

He fell back on his bed a happy grin on his face, his friend was alive. He talk to her, she talked to him, he’s not imagining things he saw her, she touched him, twice now, she’s real.

He rubbed his hands over his face unsure of how to even proceed, but the curiosity in him began to grow again, his mind was racing, there were so many questions filling up his mind that he had to sit back up.

He set down her diary and picked up his own, he opened it and flipped to a blank page, he grabbed the pen from by his clock needing to devise a plan of action. He didn’t want to let on that he knows her, well, knows about her, a lot about her. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her off. One thing he knew for sure was that he wanted to be her friens.

What she said to him replayed in his head, “I’m sorry I made you sick.” She is still dealing with issues about her self-worth and how she perceives herself, so he knows he needs to treat the situation delicately. 

He started listing off ways to go about being her friend, he suspects he might have freaked her out just a little with what happened in and outside of the pub, but one day he would explain to her what happened.

He stopped writing for a moment tapping the end of his pen on his lips, “how do you tell someone something like that?” he questioned to himself.

There was no way he could keep the fact that he not only has her cds and chest of drawers, but also her diary and that he read it, he would have to tell her right? Would she hate him? Would she think less of him for reading someone else’s private thoughts? This thought scared him, he didn’t want to lose her.

His hands started to shake as the thought of losing her now that she was actually here. He knows he will have to tell her but the question of when hung in the air.

He closed his journal and slid it back under his pillow, he laid back on his bed his arms crossed over his chest. “Rae..” he said happily.

-

The next morning Finn woke up from a very vivid dream about Rae, he dreampt that he spoke to her and she spoke to him, he tried to burn the sound of her voice in his memory before it slipped away. He scrunched his eyes shut trying to hold on to the dream as long as possible, what she looked like, sounded like, the way she felt when he brushed her hand. His eyes shot open and he quickly sat up, it wasn’t a dream, well, it was a dream because he didn’t brush her hand in real life, but she was real, she was really real, alive, and he spoke to her. He looked over at the clock and saw he had a little more than 30 minutes before everyone was meeting at Chops.

He hopped out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, he emptied his full bladder then stripped and stepped in the shower wincing when the cold water shot out. Once the water was to his liking he showered in record time even brushing his teeth while in there, after nearly slipping while reaching for his toothbrush not wanting to step out of the shower to grab it.

He patted himself dry then did the naked man dash to his room while towel drying his hair. He went over his wardrobe in his head trying to pick an outfit, he didn’t want to look like was trying to hard or like he wasn’t trying at all, he needed that perfect disheveled just rolled out of bed and put something on look.

He opted for his dark jeans with his white henley and red flannel to pull it together. He glanced at his watch and he was good on time, he laced up his boots and then went to the bathroom and generously spritzed himself with CkOne.

He then ran a comb through is hair trying to get it to go the correct direction but it seemed to be fussy this morning, he opened the top drawer and pulled out his dads hairdryer. He tousled his hair around a bit and finally got to that perfectly shaggy quaffed look.

He hurried back in his room grabbing his leather jacket then bolted down the stairs he gave himself a once over in the hall mirror, “Why are you even trying so hard you daft twat.” He said as he ran his fingers through his hair. He shook off his nerves and he tugged on his shirt perfecting it then turned opening his door, what he found on the other side was not what he was expecting.

“Rae…”


	8. Chapter 8

“Rae…”

Finn suddenly feeling light headed gripped the doorknob as he took her in, it was if time slowed down as she turned to face him fully, her hair whipping around her shoulders her hand moving to remove a piece sticking to her lips, 

“Hiya.” She spoke shyly tucking the strand behind her ear. 

A beat passed and Finn cleared his throat, “Alright?” he replied, trying to focus. 

She nodded once, he was trying to think of something to say but all coherent thoughts went out the window, he couldn’t even remember if he had sprayed his CkOne let alone anything else, but he was still begging his mind to grasp on to something, anything to say to her that wouldn’t make him look anymore idiotic than he already was. 

He broke out of his thoughts when he noticed her starting to fidget, she looked down and was readjusting herself, tugging on the hem of her shirt. 

“Wh-what..er..” he stuttered out, that apparently being the best he could do.

“We..I  
thought we were supposed to meet..for Chloe’s game.” She said confusedly.   
“Oh! Right-right, yeah, at Chops.” Chops, now he remembered how the day was supposed to go.

She furrowed her brows and stepped back and down two stairs looking at the outside of his house, presumably at the numbers. 

“He’s next door.” Finn said answering her confusion. 

“Oh!” 

“I-I was just gettin’ ready to head over me self, I just..” he trailed off stepping through the doorway he stepped down and turned shutting the door locking it. He slid his key into his pocket and took a second to close his eyes and took a deep breath to get a hold of himself. 

He turned around to see she was now standing a bit down his walkway. “Ready?” she asked. 

He nodded. “Yeah.” he said as he walked down the stairs and towards her. 

He took his place besides her walking in sync, they made it to the end of his drive and Finn murmured, “Thanks again, y-y’know for last night.” 

“Oh, it’s alright..feel better?” she asked, her face changing to one of concern as he glanced at her. 

“Yeah, it was the beer like I said.” He shrugged nervously. 

“Right.” she nodded and looked away. 

He wondered if she knew he wasn’t telling the truth, she turned her face away too quickly so he couldn’t gauge what she could be thinking. 

“Sorry ya had to see that, couldn’t have been a pleasant sight.” He continued and then cringed inwardly wishing he would have just dropped it and come up with some other small talk, something that wouldn’t make him sound like a complete twat.

“No, no, it was….you were fine, it’s not like I’ve never seen someone vomit before…I have…trust me.” She spoke softly then followed it with a delicate sigh. 

Finn nodded wondering what she meant, did she mean that she used to vomit? He didn’t remember reading that, maybe it was something new that started in the last couple of entries he skipped. He made a mental note that he would have to go back and read them. 

“Well, thanks.” 

They shared a small smile as they stepped up to Chops door, which opened before either of them could knock. 

“Raemundo..Finn!” he grinned. 

“Hi.” the pair replied shyly. 

“The others are already here..hold up..” he put his hand up for a moment signaling for them to wait, while he collected the others. 

Finn rocked on his feet and chanced a glance over at Rae who was rubbing her palms along the outside of her thighs her bottom lip tucked tightly under her top teeth. Finn knew she must be nervous. 

“Uh..you think it’s gonna rain? He asked, hoping talking a bit would help ease any discomfort she may be feeling. 

She turned looking at him and then up at the sky. “Maybe, but who knows with this shit weather.” 

“Finny boy here has missed out on building his music case thingy because of the weather.” Chop piped up, neither noticing when he and the others appeared.

Finn and Rae stepped down allowing the others out, Finn now standing to the left of Rae, “Hi, Rae, Hi, Finn.” Izzy chirped happily. 

“Hiya, Rae, Hey, Finn.” Archie added as he made his way to stand next to Rae.

Finn had to physically move over a step for Archie to do so and he wondered what that was all about, then he noticed the slight tinge of pink that appeared on Rae’s cheeks and the warm smile that she tried to hide as Archie stood next to her. 

“Finn..I asked if you were ready.” 

Finn tore his gaze away from Rae and Archie to look at Chop, he nodded in response to his question everyone turning making their way down the drive. 

Finn followed behind Rae, Archie and Izzy, Archie holding most of the conversation from what he could hear. 

“You alright mate, you seem a little out of sorts.” Chop asked as he walked along side Finn. 

“Yeah, just thinkin’.” He shrugged. 

“You don’t like talkin’ much, huh?”

“Don’t really have much to say really.” Finn replied with another shrug. 

“So what do you think of Rae?” 

What did he think of Rae? Well, that was a loaded question, he thought, let’s see for starters she has epically sound taste in music, is quite funny, is ridiculously kind, like she saw me throw up and didn’t run away, she gave me some water, oh, and I thought she was gone, y’know gone as in ‘gone’, but look she’s not. 

“She seems cool, don’t really know her yet.” He replied coolly as he could.

“She’s sound, mate, think Archer might have a bit of a thing for her.” Chop said wiggling his eyebrows. 

“What! I mean wh-why would you say that?” He stumbled, wondering what exactly he missed at the pub, or what Archie could have been talking to her about at the record store to lead to this accusation and also how long has she been back for? 

Chop stopped as Finn ran his hand nervously through his hair, he prayed Chop would just ignore his mini outburst but that was most unlikely. So he turned facing Chop to find a gapped tooth grin breaking across his face. 

“What?” Finn asked unimpressed. 

“Nothin’.” Chop put his hands up in defense, he grinned and hurried along to catch up to the others.

Finn groaned harshly as he followed behind, why couldn’t he just be normal, at least long enough to get the dirt on the whole Archie Rae situation, did it really matter if Archie liked Rae, he supposed not, but did it bother him a little, yes, why he wasn’t sure. 

“Ugh!” He groaned again kicking imaginary rocks and mumbling to himself as he walked. 

He turned the corner only to see Archie and Rae in a one armed embrace stopping him dead in his tracks, so maybe it bothered him more than just a little. She was laughing as she pulled away then playfully punched him in the shoulder before she began walking again. 

He watched for a moment then upped his pace to catch up with them and then realized this was not the way to the school. 

“Chop, I thought we were goin’ to the school.” 

“Oh, yeah, about that Chloe called, got her dates mixed up so since everyone were meeting at my place she said just for us all to meet her at the chippy.” He explained then walked on. 

Finn was left standing there a moment, and as if the timing couldn’t be any more perfect it started to sprinkle. 

He hustled and as he caught up he heard Archie talking about France, Finn remembered that’s where they said Rae had been, Archie asked her a question but she just mumbled something about not seeing many sites but didn’t give Archie time to reply as she had pulled the door to the chippy open and rushed in. 

Walking in last Finn saw Rae pulling out of a hug with Chloe, the others discussing what they were going to order. Rae and Chloe were standing in front of him now, Chloe telling her about catching up and wanting to hear all about France. Rae seemed a little skittish on the topic and stammered something about possibly being busy needing to get settled still. Chloe seemed to let it go as Izzy turned and asked her a question about sharing a meal so Chloe pushed her way between Izzy and Chop at the counter, leaving Rae tottering behind them. 

He knew better than to ask this question but everyone else was too engrossed in deciding what to order so he stepped up and stood beside her taking a chance.

“What are you gonna get?” he asked shifting his eyes quickly to her then back to the gang at the counter ordering. 

“Uh..nothing..I ate breakfast.” She spoke hesitatantly.

“Yeah me too.” He nodded “Think I’m gonna get a coke though…you want one, I’ll squirm my way up there?” he smiled at her then pointed to the gang who were all squished together ordering at once. 

She chuckled and nodded her head. “Thanks, Finn.” She spoke softly. 

He nodded once and smiled tightly trying to contain the monster grin that was threatening to break across his face and would surely scare her away. As the gang dispersed to find a table he ordered a coke each for him and Rae. With the drinks in hand he turned he saw the gang and found the only open chair was across from Chloe. He made his way over and sat Rae’s drink down in front of her with quick, “Here you go Rae.” 

He moved around and sat in the seat by the wall catching up on what the gang were talking about, it seemed to be just plans for what they could do for the rest of the day, cinema was suggested but shot down, apparently nothing good was playing. 

“I don’t have much time anyway have work at 2.” Archie added. 

“Well, let’s just head back to mine until then, not much we can do with the rain anyway.” Chop suggested. 

Everyone nodded agreeing to head back to Chops. The food soon arrived and Finn just sat back quietly trying not to be obvious with his observations of Rae. She was engrossed in conversation with Archie hemming and hawing at whatever historical points he was making about France, she had frozen a moment when he offered her a chip but waved him off. 

But her reactions didn’t go unnoticed by Finn, her hands were once resting on the table but after waving Archie off she moved them to her lap and he could see the subtle way she was moving them assumingly up and down her thighs. He looked up and caught her eye she look stunned for a moment then moved her hands stuffing them in the pockets of her leather jacket. 

He looked away immediately his teeth nibbling on the nub of his thumb nail, he waited a moment before looking back over to see if she was alright, he knows that from her perspective she must have felt under his scrutiny which is the last thing he wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable. He ruffled his hair then chanced a look over to see she was smiling brightly at Izzy. A rush of relief washed over him allowing him to relax. 

–

They had been sat around Chops for about two hours, He had been nursing a beer and listening more than anything, the chatter went in a lot of different directions, none of which he found himself compelled to join. Although when Rae spoke he felt like he could talk, but didn’t instead choosing to silently agree with her whilst she scolded Chloe a bit on Backstreet Boys. The conversation moves again and Chop started to tell Archie about this car he was working on, the girls falling into conversation about sleepovers, Finn not really fitting into any of the conversations decided to check out Chop’s music situation as he had spied a stack of cds by the stereo when they first arrived. 

He grimaced flipping through the cds nothing seeming to be fit to play. 

“This really is a sad collection.” Rae spoke beside him. 

He looked up slowly at her then swallowed thickly, be cool, “I know.” Finn sighed and held up Boyzone. 

Rae winced causing Finn to chuckle, “Oi, Chop really?” Rae said taking the cd from Finn and holding it up.

“I-its not mine! It’s me sisters.” He said. 

“Yeah…right.” Finn said turning back to the stack. 

Rae chuckled and he couldn’t help but feel a little bit chuffed that he did that, he made her laugh. 

“So Chop said you were building music case or somethin’?” she asked picking up a cd reading the track list. 

Finn rubbed his ear, “Er..yeah, kinda been a long time comin’ and I was hoping to get it done this summer but the weather has been shit lately.” 

“You have a lot of music then?” 

“Yeah…you could say that..me dad would say there’s nothin’ left for me to buy.” He snorted a quiet laugh. 

“Wow, so it any good or is it boybands and crap reggae.” She teased. 

“No…absolutely no boy bands…and not all reggaes is crap.” He mumbled knowing he did have the odd reggae album. 

“Huh..for a minute I almost believed you might have good taste in music.” 

“I do..I know my music.” He said confidently, that was one thing for sure. 

“Well, I know my music.” She retorted.

A sad expression crossed over her face as her teasing grin fell. 

“Are you alright?” 

“Just…a lot of my music I don’t have anymore.” 

“Wha..I-I mean how did that happen?” 

“When I was away…er in France…my mum..she…I don’t even want to think about it.” she groaned. 

“Archie had mentioned you had been in the shop a few times?” 

“Yeah.” she sighed. 

“Trying to replace my collection…but my vinyls..I miss them the most.” 

Finn winced knowing how horrible she must be feeling, “I’m sorry..that must be painful.” 

“Excruciatingly so.” She sighed picking up a cd.

Finn nodded then heard is stomach grumble and hoped that Rae didn’t hear it, he kept flicking through the cd’s reading the track listing on one or two he found that might be decent. Then it happened again. He could feel Rae looking at him but chose to ignore it. 

“Finn, if you haven’t found somethin’ to put on go get somethin’ of yours.” Chop grumbled. 

“You’re alright mate I gotta head off anyway.” Archie said as he stood up. 

“I’ll be off at seven, pub?” Archie asked. 

“O’course.” Chop grinned. 

“I’ll walk with you Archie, I need to nip into town for somethings for the sleepover anyway, Izzy, Rae you in?” Chloe asked.

“Yeah, definitely.” Izzy responded. 

“You’re leaving?” Chop squawked. 

“You’ll see me later, Arnold.” Izzy kissed him on the cheek. 

“Rae?” Chloe asked. 

“Umm, I really should get home and sort some stuff out and clear it with my mum.” She replied. 

“Alright, we’ll catch you at the pub later.” Chloe smiled and gave her a hug Izzy following. 

Izzy, Archie and Chloe left leaving Chop, Rae and Finn.

Finn stood there awkwardly for a moment, 

Rae shifted then turned setting the cd in her hand down, “Um..” she fidgeted for a moment, “I guess I’ll see you guys later.” She smiled thinly. 

“That ya will Raemundo.” Chop grinned.

“Later Finn.” She turned to him slightly. 

“Yeah, later Rae.” He said softly.

She hesitated and then walked towards the door, when the door shut Finn was left with Chop, “Well, I guess I’m going to go to then.” 

Chop nodded, “If you want we can head to the pub together, I’m setting off about 6:30.” He offered. 

“Yeah,  
alright I’ll come over if I can if not I’ll see you there.” Finn replied.   
“Alrgiht cool, later mate.” Chop said. 

“See ya.” Finn said awkwardly waiving and then head towards the door. 

–

When he got home he was, well, relieved, it had been an interesting few hours, plus he was starving. He was in desperate need of some sustenance, so he pulled at the fixin’s to make a simple cheese sandwich. As he made the sandwich his mind wandered back to Rae, he groaned reliving his mistake of catching her refusing the chip Archie offered her, he should not have been staring at her, it must have made her terribly self-conscious. He wondered then if she had really eaten like she said she had, it was very possible she did, but regardless he didn’t want her to be the only one left not eating as everyone else indulged so opting out was an easy decision for him. 

Her accepting him buying her a fizzy drink made his stomach do summersaults, he was quite chuffed she had at least accepted that offering. He smiled to himself as he plated and cut his sandwich remembering their small conversation over music, it was so effortless to talk to her, music was his thing and he knew it was hers as well, it was like everything else was temporarily forgotten. He did wonder exactly what happened that she needed to replace her music, he got a sickly feeling just thinking about what he would do if he had to suddenly replace all his music. He did have a couple of copies of certain ones, he wondered if he should offer them to her, would it be too much, too forward of him, it would just be from one music lover to another, that would be alright wouldn’t it? 

He picked up half of the sandwich and took a bite and made his way to his room, he thought he might as well see exactly what he has duplicates of, just something to do to kill time really. He had just hit the bottom of the staircase when there was a timid knock on his door. 

He set the plate with his other half of sandwich on the top of the newel and walked the few paces to open the door. 

“Rae?” he asked once again feeling feather light and unsteady on his feet. 

“Er, hiya…uh again.” She smiled nervously. 

“Hi.” He replied, regaining control of his nerves quickly. 

“Wh-is there..” he stuttered but she cut him off. 

“I..this might, I mean, I know..we don’t really know each other but….um I was wondering if..um maybe if it was possible, I mean if not its cool, but I thought I would take a chance seeing as you seem to think you know your music, so I thought maybe…I could like ask you, y’know?…. and if you wanna say no that’s cool too, but I thought I’d just ask.” she spoke hastily. 

“Um, okay.” He drawled. 

A beat passed, “Rae.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Um, you never asked me a question?” he chuckled slightly. 

“Oh! Oh, ha, um…well, y’know how I told you I don’t have much of my vinyl collection anymore?” 

“Yeah.” he nodded. 

“Well, I do still have my turntable, luckily, well, technically it’s my mums but she never…so, I was wondering, if maybe you could lend me an album or two if you have them, I promise to guard them with my life and return them unharmed.” She smiled shakily. 

He took her in for a moment, she was smiling but her brows we furrowed slightly a few crinkles on her forehead indicating her anticipation, like he would ever tell her no.

“Yeah, sure no problem, um why don’t you come in and tell me what you need and I’ll see if I got ‘em.” 

“Really? Are you sure?” she asked stepping into his house. 

“Yeah, of course.” He said as she passed him. 

He shut the door and walked to the staircase where she was standing, “Um, what were you looking for?” he asked. 

“Okay, um, so Oasis, either album is cool, and uh, The Stone Roses?” She asked as she wrung her hands together. 

“No problem, um…I just, they’re in my room, I’d invite you up but it’s sort of a mess..”

“Oh no! I’ll wait here, just thank you, really thank you.” She smiled. 

“I’ll be right back.” He smiled. He made his way up the stairs got half way then came back down a few. 

“Um..” 

“Yeah?” she asked. 

“There is the other half of my sandwich, you can have it if you want, I still have this one.” He held the one in his hand that has one large bite missing. “And um it might take a me a few minutes with the state of my room so, y’know, no reason for it to go to waste.” He shrugged then made his way quickly back up the stairs before she had time to respond finishing his sandwich in two more bites. 

He walked into his room and shut his door and then immediately flopped down on his bed running his hands over his face, he wiggled his legs and next his arms as if it would help shake off this feeling he was having, “She’s in my house, she is down stairs in my house.” He whispered to himself. He slid his hand under his pillow and gripped her diary a few seconds and then released it. 

In what world would this have ever been possible, how was it that she was not only alive but was actually in his house, he couldn’t get over that fact. A sudden rush of guilt washed over him, he knew all of these intimate details about her, things that no one should ever know. He got up and slowly made his way over to his crates of music finding the albums she requested. 

He pulled out Morning Glory and Definitely Maybe, he had a duplicate of that one, he moved to another crate and flicked through pulling out The Stone Roses. He had the 3 vinyl’s in his hand and made his way to his door, he paused as he opened it not wanting to interrupter if she had in fact taken the sandwich he offered her. He waited a minute or two longer then stepped into the hall, he turned to shut his door but caught the bottom of her diary peeking out from under his pillow he went back in and quickly pushed it under and regained his breathing before making his way back to the hall, he shut his door with force enough for her to hear, “Sorry it took me a few minutes.” He announced loudly so she knew he was coming back down the stairs. 

As he rounded the corner of the staircase she stood up she had been sitting at the bottom, “Got ‘em” he said happily. 

“Really, thank you so much.” She grinned. 

He handed them over to her and she ran her hand softly over the top album, The Stone Roses, “Uh, it’s so nice to see it again.” She said near in tears. 

His heart swelled as he took her in, she looked up at him and chuckled, “Sorry I must look mad.”

He winced at her choice of words, “No, not at all, I’m the same way when it comes to music, so if you’re mad then I’m mad, but at least we realize it.” He shrugged with a little smirk. 

“I guess you’re right.” She laughed lightly and ran her hand lightly back over the art, “Thanks again, I promise to not keep them too long and return them in pristine condition.” 

“I trust you.” He spoke softly. 

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” she asked. 

“Yeah, later.” He nodded. 

She nodded and then turned heading towards the door, she opened it and he pulled it the rest of the way, she stepped down the stairs and then turned back to him hugging the albums to her chest, “Thanks Finn.” She smiled. 

“Anytime Rae.” 

She nodded and the turned making her way down his drive, he watched her and until she turned, even then standing a little longer in his open doorway wondering if this was all some weird dream that he was about to wake up from. Finally closing the door he leaned against it before smiling joyously, he took off in a fast pace and jumped on the bottom stair in celebration he smacked his hand down on the newel only to be met with the sounds of wobbling glass. He removed his hand, a toothy grin breaking across his face as he continued to stare down at the empty plate.


	9. Chapter 9

Once in his room, Finn flopped face down on to his bed and wriggled around smiling hard in to his pillow. The day had certainly been long for it only being just after two in the afternoon. A flurry of emotions were bouncing around inside of him, tugging in every direction. He wasn’t sure which one to settle on, but happiness seemed to tug a little harder than the rest. So, he allowed himself to be swallowed up in the warmth that spread through him.  
After a few minutes of butterflies swooping he flipped over, resting his joined hands on his stomach he let out an audible content sigh. He watched as his curtain billowed with the cool summer breeze, the sky outside scattered with threatening gray clouds. As he relaxed further into his bed, his mind started to speed up, curiosity began to creep in pushing away the butterflies.  
His mind thinking back to Rae explaining how she now longer had most of her vinyl collection. Unable to stop himself, he pondered what exactly happened; did her mum sell them or give them away? What would have caused her mum to do this? He knows that something happened because he ended up with a little collection of her previously owned items, but why it happened was something he wanted to know. Because surely Rae’s mum must have known her love of music, known what they meant to her. Unable to come to a conclusion that made sense his mind drifted away from the events that could have taken place and shifted over to: Archie.  
It was obvious there is some sort of friendship between Archie and Rae, but how did it come about so quickly? Was she here longer than she said she was? He didn’t know exactly how long she’d been back in town, just a few mentions of it here and there. Like when Archie said Rae had been coming into the shop for a while, that same day he was in there, back when he didn’t know it was her. It felt like forever ago that, that happened, when it was the day before. Had Chloe even known before then that Rae was back, from France? Why was Rae in France? Did it have something to do with what she was going through?  
When he first officially met Rae that was seemingly the night she was first introduced to all of them, but Archie had already known her from the shop. Did Rae hesitate to contact Chloe before? Did Rae wait to reach out to Chloe, does Chloe know what Rae was going through and waited to rekindle what they had before introducing Rae? There were so many questions he didn’t know where to begin, and he also knew that if he didn’t stop himself he’d end up making a list.  
To stop himself from dwelling on the ins and outs of Rae’s arrival, Finn’s next thought was, why was it him and not Archie she came to for music help? He’s not complaining, far from it. It just seems curious is all. According to Chop, Archie likes Rae, and if her blushed cheeks from earlier was any indication he would guess she liked Archie as well, even if it was only as a friend, but that might not be the case.  
Finn clenched his jaw his stomach twisting as jealously reared its head. He didn’t have a right to be jealous, but he couldn’t help but feel a little green that Archie made her blush. A slow smile soon spread across his features, because she may have blushed for Archie but she ate for him, well not for him, he just offered her a sandwich under the assumption she was hungry, he could only hope that she would eat. Finn shook his head and laughed at himself, it wasn’t a competition, she was just a girl, a girl who happened to be on his mind for the passing weeks, a girl who unbeknownst to her nestled herself right into a snug little corner of his chest.   
A girl who is in fact, very much alive.  
He scrubbed his hands over his face, “This is a mess.” He mumbled. He felt so guilty and it’s worse because Rae has no idea about any of this, and it’s not like he can tell her, not yet anyway. So, for now he’d have to hide his guilt in secret. He sat up quickly and swung his feet onto the floor and looked around his room, another pang of guilt hitting him right in the chest. Telling her his room was a mess was just a little white lie, she probably would have been fine with him saying, “Wait here.” But to him it wasn’t sufficient enough, he needed to give her a reason for not coming up, for not coming up and seeing what once belonged to her sitting nicely in his room. His eyes fell to the drawer he found her diary in wondering if she’d been looking for it, wondering if she even cared it was gone. Finn picked up his own journal and a pen and flipped to an empty page.  
–  
He had made an early dinner for his dad, it was nothing special and it was mostly done to bide his time until he finally had to decide whether or not to go to the pub. On one hand he was dying to go but on the other he didn’t trust himself, he didn’t want to blurt out a question to Rae or make her feel uncomfortable because he didn’t trust that he may very well end up looking at her most of the night with no context as to why. But at least he would get to see her, again.  
Deciding to go he left the oven on low with a note for his dad and took the stairs two at a time and bounded into the bathroom. He showered and dressed quickly and towel dried his hair hoping it would be somewhat presentable for the evening. As he got back down stairs his dad was home, earlier than expected.  
“You going to get food later, then?” Gary asked, holding the note in his hand.  
“Yeah, chippy or summat. Just heading out to meet Chop now.” Finn responded as he pulled on his leather jacket.  
“Alright, eat somethin’ decent will ya, not just chips.” His dad called as he walked away.  
Finn opened the door, “Yeah!” he shouted back as he walked out.  
He only got to one knock on Chops door before it was opening and Chop stepped out quickly causing him to stumble back slightly.  
“Glad you could make it, Finn.” Chop grinned while slapping Finn on the shoulder.  
Finn nodded and they began to walk in sync to the pub. Chop held most of the conversation, jumping from one subject to the next instantaneously but all seeming to connect somehow in Chop’s mind. For example, he said that sneezing and orgasms are somehow connected. But That topic didn’t last long as he was on to hearing that there are rumors of rave, circling, he found out from his brother who found out from his mate, but wasn’t sure when it was taking place.  
Just nodding and adding appropriate ‘really’s and no way’s’ is how Finn kept himself from asking exactly who was going to be at the pub, because he didn’t want to be so obvious if he were to react a certain way when he found out, whether it be ecstatic or disappointment.  
–  
Archie was there when they walked in. He explained he got off work a little early and decided to just head over and save them a table. Chop went to get them drinks as Finn settled in across from Archie leaving two chairs empty to his right.  
“Alright, Finn?”  
“Yeah, yeah.” You? How was work?” Finn asked. As soon as Finn saw Archie he thought he’d be agitated or even jealous again, but he wasn’t. From what he’s learned about Archie he is the decent sort, maybe a bit nerdy at times and completely harmless. He was someone Finn knew he could be best mates with.   
“A bit slow today, actually.”  
“Really?” he asked genuinely interested.  
“Yeah. Mostly just restocked and moved things about a bit.” Archie shrugged.  
“You get to play stuff, tho, ya? Like whatever you want?” Finn figured it wouldn’t be too bad if you get to listen to something decent.   
“Sometimes, but a lot of the time I play the new releases.”  
“Even if they are crap?”  
“Well, yeah, we kind of have to do it to promote.”  
Finn shook his head with a pain of sympathy for Archie, he could not fathom having to play something that was utter crap and have to force it upon people. There was just no way.  
“That is just not right.” Finn laughed humorlessly.  
“I know.” Archie shrugged, in a manner that said, “Nothing I can do about it.”  
As Chop approached Finn hoped that he would sit by Archie, because that would limit the space’s Rae would have to choose from, and if she chose a seat next to him that would be just fine in his book.  
Chop ended up sitting on the opposite side next to Archie leaving one seat in between them. Finn figures that would mean he’d either move down one for Izzy or she would sit between them, either way that eliminated another seat. So it was a 50/50 chance. The odds may be in his favor.  
All three took a healthy swig of their pints at the same time, Chop sighing contently as he set his pint down and wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand.  
“What time are the girls getting’ here?” Archie asked in general, but he and Finn both looked at Chop, after all he was the coordinator of this outing.  
“Ah. They most likely will not be joining us this evening.”  
Finn furrowed his brows and his heart started to pound, “Why?” he blurted out.  
None of them seemed to catch the desperation in his voice, and Chop answered, “Izzy said her Chloe were going to Rae’s to convince her to sleep over and do girly things…whatever that is.” He shrugged.  
“So, she must have said a no to the sleep over if they are trying to convince her?” Archie asked.  
“I guess.” Chop replied then took another sip of his pint.  
“Too bad, I was looking forward to talking to, Rae.” Archie said with an ‘oh well’ type shrug of his shoulders.  
“Were you now?” Chop looked at him with wiggling eyebrows.  
There was a tug and twist in Finn’s stomach with Chop’s insinuation and he really didn’t know if he could deal with it right now. He wondered if he could excuse himself to go outside and remember how to breathe. He definitely knows he can’t handle Chop and Archie talk about Rae in a romantic way without his face contorting and turning green. He was hopeless.  
“Chop. She’s a friend. That’s all. Knows her music that’s for sure.” Archie spoke with such sincerity that it allowed Finn to let out a breath. In then out, in then out.  
“Which reminds me, Finn, did Rae go over to yours?” Archie asked looking pointedly at him.  
Finn felt his stomach drop, his mind racing over how Archie could know that.  
“What?” Chop asked looking back and forth between them.  
Archie looked away from Finn to Chop, “Rae, asked me if I thought it would be okay for her to go over to Finns.”  
“Why?” Finn blurted out.  
“Well,” Archie began as he pushed up his glasses.  
Finn could have died in between Archie’s start and the two second delay, his brain screaming for Archie to spit it out already.  
“She had mentioned to me about how she heard you were building the shelving for your music collection and she asked me if it would be too forward of her to ask you if she could borrow some music.”  
Finns heart was pounding in his ears. She spoke about him to Archie? Had been thinking about him at a separate time?  
“I told her it was fine and to go for it. Y’know one music lover to another. I’m sure you can understand her dilemma.”  
Finn nodded mutely, “So did she show up?” Chop asked.  
Finn nodded again. This was really a lot to take in, to know that she had asked about him, wondered about him, was possibly nervous about him. It made him feel an array of emotions.  
Clearing his throat Finn said, “Yeah, borrowed some records.”  
A smile broke out across Archie’s face, “I knew it would be fine. She was worried because you guys had just met and all.”  
“Yeah, it fine. Completely fine. Any time, she needs….” Finn wanted to say, ‘Anything. Anything at all.’ But that might be suspicious so he settled with, “whatever.”  
“Well, be sure to tell her that.” Archie said, with a little smirk.  
Finn couldn’t quite make out what that smirk meant so he just half smiled back and grabbed his pint taking a sip as Chop changed the topic.  
–  
A few hours later Finn was happily tipsy and laughing hysterically at Chop. Archie looking a bit mortified.  
“I told him. I told him!” Finn laughed pointing at Chop.  
Chop was sat looking huffy with a tissue stuffed up his bleeding nose.  
“I told you, you were talking absolute bollocks! Orgasms are mint! A sneeze isn’t even nice! No way eight of them can be and orgasm!” Finn cackled.  
Grumbling Chop smoothed away the lines of pepper Finn had racked up to disprove Chops theory, and rested his head on his folded arms.  
“I think you should be sitting up straight, Chop.” Archie suggested warily.  
Chop sighed loudly and pounded his flat hand on the table before sitting up roughly. Finn looked at Archie who was looking at him and then they both looked to Chop and started laughing.  
“Shut up! I did feel something.” He grumbled.  
“Yeah, your brain ready to explode.” Archie chuckled.  
“I’m telling you! It’s true, I read it! And I only got to six so we’ll never know unless you two are up for it.”  
“No!” Finn and Archie shouted with a laugh.  
“Whatever, let’s go to the chippy.” Chop muttered.  
Chop was out the door first and Finn couldn’t help but continue to laugh alongside Archie as they trailed behind. When they got outside Finn saw Chop was a few paces ahead. He jogged to catch up to him and without thinking jumped on his back, “Don’t be mad! I’ll by you some chips!” Finn offered.  
Chop only walked a few paces with Finn on his back before Finn jumped off, “And pizza.” Chop grumbled as Archie caught up to them.  
–  
Getting home Finn tumbled into his bed still feeling the effects of all the alcohol. His head was feeling light and even with his eyes closed it felt like he was spinning. But his stomach was full and he hadn’t laughed like he did in a long time. So, all in all it was a good night. He was a tad disappointed Rae wasn’t there but he wondered if Archie would have mentioned Rae being iffy on asking him to borrow some records if she was there. Probably not. It was something he was glad to know, glad to know that she was thinking about him, even if it was just in terms of music, for now.  
He turned over facing the wall and slide his hand under his pillow feeling for Rae’s diary, he gave it a squeeze before he quickly drifted off to sleep.


	10. 10

He jolted awake, his mouth dry, and his body tired and achy. After clearing his throat and swallowing several times, he willed himself to go back to sleep. He lay in the position he awoke in for several moments, not yet willing to give up the warm comfortable position he was in. But that’s just the kind of luck he had, being comfortable and at peace in bed for once but other parts of his body screaming for attention. He would have to abandon his comfort and seek out a glass of water.   
He stood in the kitchen stretching out his fingers and shaking out his hand, trying to wake it from its feeling of sleepiness and soreness. When he finally decided to get up he found that he was still clutching on to Rae’s diary and as a result his hand had suffered a bit of a consequence.   
He spent part of the morning thinking over his plans for the day and nursing a small hangover headache. His father wasn’t home and it was probably too early to bother Chop, and he figured that Chop would get a hold of him if anything were to happen.   
So, to keep himself a busy he started work on his music case once more. Measuring and cutting wood, but his hand soon grew tired from its slept on position, which caused him to take several breaks in between boards.   
He wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand and decided to just pull off his shirt. The air was humid, and the material of his shirt was sticking to him like a second skin. Dropping his shirt on a chair near him he made his way into the house to get some water. He had stocked the fridge with some bottles for such occasions and when he opened the door the cool air was welcomed against his warmed skin. His nipples even slightly perking up against the soft breeze.   
Downing half of the bottle he sighed in contentment before placing it back in the fridge. He made his way back out to the garden and before he could get close to his project his name was called. Looking over he found, Chop, grinning madly, then appeared Archie, Chloe, Izzy and last but certainly not least Rae.   
He’s not sure why but he immediately crossed his arms over his chest as a he felt a faint blush creep into his cheeks.   
“You workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” Chop teased, with a gapped tooth grin.   
“Erm…well,” Finn trailed off and looked behind him at the work he’d done so far.  
“It’s coming along then?” Archie commented.   
“Yeah,” Finn, looked to him, trying not to shift his focus to Rae. “It’s getting there.” He shrugged.   
“Listen, we were gonna head out to the park, do you wanna go?” Chop asked, as he motioned to the gang around him.   
He wanted to say, yes, to give him fifteen minutes to shower and get ready, but something stopped him. A lump formed in his throat preventing him from saying the words. It was accompanied by an odd sensation in his stomach, so, not quite sure to make of what his body was telling him his simply shook his head.   
“Oh, come on, Finn.” Chloe pleaded, with a small pout.   
“Nah, I should really get as much of this done as I can. Can’t ever trust the weather.”   
“Alright, see you around then.” Chop said, ending the discussion.   
They all started to file out with murmured goodbyes, Finn nodded at them, but then there was a faint, “Bye Finn,” from Rae, accompanied by a small wave, and he murmured goodbye back instantly.  
\--  
Three hours later he was sitting in his room, freshly showered and bored. Not exactly bored but he was thinking. Thinking about moving here, about his issues with his mom. He hated when he’d catch himself thinking about her, and about the events that led him and his dad to move. Hated that he couldn’t just forget; he knew it would take time. He just wished time would speed up some.   
But mostly, he was thinking about, Rae.  
She had overcome so much it seems; he knows from what he read in her diary and from what little he heard being around her, that he hadn’t even scratched the surface into the world of, Rae. He desperately was torn between wanting to know and not wanting to know more.   
It didn’t matter anyway, because it wasn’t like he planned on telling her he knew, at least not at this point in time. It made him feel horrible sometimes, like the biggest creep in the world, to know these intimate details about someone while they are none the wiser.   
Maybe, maybe, he could share something small about himself with her so he wouldn’t feel this way. It’s not like he knew he was ever going to meet her, but maybe he should have never read her diary in the first place. Maybe, he shouldn’t have read a small portion after he met her. There were so many maybes, but the one that seemed most important, the one he discovered was most prominent was, ‘maybe, I don’t wanna be just her friend’.  
After the gang had left to go to the park, Finn couldn’t exactly continue on working. His mind was preoccupied and his skin was still prickly with goosebumps from seeing Rae, and from her speaking to him.   
He had tried to talk himself out of it, tried to tell himself, that there was no way he fancied her, he barely knows her. But his heart tugged in his chest, and his brain made a ‘pfft’ and he knew he might be a little screwed. The fact is, that even if he did fancy her, which he still wasn’t sure yet, it just couldn’t happen. She’d hate him if she found out about the diary. But more than anything he wants to be her friend.   
Speaking to her at Chops over cd’s, and when she asked to borrow some records, was easy and felt so natural, that he momentarily forgot everything else. In those short moments it was just them and the music, the one thing he knew they shared an exuberant passion for. It seemed so much and at one-time, that he needed to push the thought down, needed to not be so obvious at times.   
He’d be her friend.   
\--  
The sun was just in the stages of setting when he made his way back out to the garden. He had neatly stacked and piled the wood and covered it so it wouldn’t be damaged, but in his hurry to go and scrub away his feelings he left all the tools he was using out.   
He picked up a bag of drill bits, and nearly dropped them, when a familiar voice asked, “Did you get a lot done today?”   
He squeezed the bag in his hand to prevent from dropping them and made his way closer to the fence. His feet felt heavy, and his heart pounded harder with each step, and he prayed he wouldn’t say something dumb.   
“Erm, yeah, more than I thought I would.” He shrugged, it was all he could think to say.   
“I imagine it’s a tough work, cutting and drilling or whatever,” she replied, with a bit of an embarrassed smile, he thinks.   
“Um, yeah, just tedious I guess, but..”  
“It’ll be worth it, no more crates, eh?” she said with a glint in her eye.   
He couldn’t help the sharp short laugh that escaped him, “Definitely, no more crates. I take it you know the struggle?”   
She huffed a small laugh, “I do.” She paused thinking, “Well, I did.” Her smile faltering some.   
“So, how was the park?” he asked swiftly, and the small smile that appeared on her face makes him think it was a welcomed change in topic.   
She rolled her eyes, and scoffed small with a hint of a smile, “Chop was on and on about sneezes and org—“ she stopped suddenly her eyes widening and her cheeks pinking up.   
He couldn’t help but smile, she looked beautiful, with the sky a pinky orange behind her and her eyes shining, her cheeks colored a nice red now; he decided to save her a bit of embarrassment she might be feeling.   
“Say no more. It’s not true by the way. He was saying the same thing last night, turns out it only causes bloody noses.” He grinned.   
“Are you saying he…” she trailed off.  
“He definitely did.” Finn nodded almost haughtily.  
She chuckled and said, “I’m not even surprised if I’m honest. Was it bad then?”   
“It wasn’t too bad but he was pretty cut up about not being right.”   
“Do you think he’d try it again?” Rae asked.   
A beat passed where they thought about and then suddenly both said, “Wouldn’t doubt.”   
Causing them to erupt in a fit of laughter.   
“Poor Chop,” Rae said trailing off her laughter, “I’m sure it was amazing to see, I’m sad to have missed it.”   
“You..” were missed, is what he wanted to say, but instead, “You…would have gotten a good laugh out of it.” is what he settled on. It caused a small fluttering wrench in his stomach but he’d deal with that later.   
“Yeah, well maybe he’ll try again one day,” she replied almost hopefully.   
“I’m sure he will,”   
“Rae! I didn’t know you were still here.”   
Finn looked over Rae’s shoulder, as she turned slightly to see Chop, “Oh, yeah, I was chatting with, Finn,” she looked to him and softly smiled and he smiled back immediately.   
“Oooooh I see,” Chop said, gleaming mischievously, almost.   
“Um, well, I better get going then, see yous.” Rae said quickly.   
Finn felt his heart drop a little, and he rushed out a quick, “Later, Rae!” but she continued on walking not acknowledging him.   
He thought that was strange but would have to think on it later because Chop was still standing there smiling at him, “What?” Finn asked, almost sharply.   
Chop put his hands up in defense, “Nothin’ mate.” He started to slowly back away towards his house then added, “Was wondering why she chose to leave out the garden, but I guess I know now.”   
Then before Finn could answer Chop was in his house leaving Finn wondering aloud, “What does that mean?”   
\--  
TBC xD  
A/n: I know some of this was vague but things will continue to unravel, Finn learns a few things from a few different people eventually, so yeah. Man I’m so cryptic ahahaha.


End file.
